I Saw an Addict Today and I Cried

I saw an addict today.

He asked me for money.

I asked him what he needed the money for...he said, "Chips". I told him I would buy him the chips and asked what kind he liked. I would have bought him a whole big bag of chips of any brand.

Then he hesitated and said, "I just need the money."

I said, "Well, I only have my card on me. I only pay with my card." I paused and continued. "You don't need the money for food do you?"

He then said to me, "I need a Gatorade."

First it's chips, then it's Gatorade, I knew where this was going.

I said, "What flavor? I will buy it for you."

He said , "That's fine." and walked away.

My heart was breaking for this addict.

The tears began falling down my cheek as I walked to my car with my groceries.

Because someone I love very dearly suffers from addiction and seeing this man, well it reminded me of this someone I love. And you can't help an addict until they want to help themselves. And it's like a very, very, slow train wreck and sometimes you are part of the wreck and sometimes not.

This person I love(whom we shall call "Steve" for purposes of anonymity) would call me for money, over time I stopped sending money and told them I would send them food. I would order groceries so they could eat and they could pick them up at Walmart or the local grocery chain if need be and asked to do so, but I would not send money.

Here's the thing honey, I am not sending you money, not because I don't love you, but because I do.  

Because I know that money will go up your nose or in your veins. Because I know that money is doing the devil's work in you and I love you so much and I pray for you and worry for you and love you so much that I just can't send you that money. 

I could have given that man money outside the grocery store, but I didn't. Because somewhere in this city or country he has a mother, father, brother, son, daughter, aunt, uncle or best friend who loves him and wants him to get clean.

I could feel tears welling up in me. I held it together until I got into the car...and then....I lost it.

I want to just find Steve and tell him, "No sin is so great, no sin is so horrible that the love of God can't forgive you, and that I have already forgiven you for the ugly telephone conversations where you said ugly mean things to me. And that whatever you have done in the past, give your shame to God and let it go, because He is such a loving Father, He has already forgiven AND forgotten it and so should you." 

Whatever you had to do, steal, lie, destroy others lives or property, God has forgiven you and so have I.  You make amends, ask forgiveness and move on.

You my dear Steve are an amazing, smart, strong person. A wonderful father, who like any parent made a mistake.

Broken crayons can still create a beautiful picture, and you my dear "Steve" can still make a beautiful life for you and your immediate family and all of us who love you.

We are all broken. I tell my daughter this all.the.time.

I have made many mistakes in my life and I REFUSE to judge the sins of others when I have my own sins to deal with myself. God has forgiven my past sins and He's already forgiven my future sins.

Some people still hold my sins in their hearts and minds. Steve I am here to tell you that it doesn't matter what those people whisper about you behind closed doors. It doesn't matter if they can't forgive you, that is between God and them....it has NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. 

Nobody is perfect Steve...not even lil' ol' me.

In the end it only matters only what GOD thinks of you and HE thinks you are an amazing child of His, created in HIS image. You are a gift to others around you, He created you for a purpose in this life to fulfill before you get to Heaven.

"All things work together for good for those who love God and are called to His purpose". Romans 8:28

And to all those out there who sit in judgment of an addict(whether you know them or not),NEVER sit there with disdain in your eyes and your heart saying something like,  "I can't believe she could be so stupid to be an addict." I saw that on a post one time and I wanted to reply to that post, but I didn't. Because I knew I would not be having a kind conversation as it was too close to home for me and instead of listening to the spirit, my flesh would come out.

You don't call them stupid, to their face or behind their backs because that poor addict did not wake up one day and say, "I think my life goal is to use various hallucinogenic drugs to eat up my brain cells and cause various infections from needles to course through my body while I slowly destroy my family, my job, and my health." 

NO!

They use because there are emotional issues going on that they want to escape instead of facing them, they use drugs as an emotional release.  We ALL have some sort of addiction as a good 99% of us have problems that are sometimes just unbearable, or we are an onion like Shrek(good movie) and just don't want to face reality soooo.. instead of turning to God we may turn to one of these poor choices, in excess:

Alcohol, excessive eating, sex hoarding, binging shows on tv, playing games online all day or shopping online all day, excessive spending/gambling...and I am telling you that we ALL are or have been  guilty of some form of addiction.  

It's just for most of us, others can't see it. So clearly, the reasons behind our addictions are justified, but a drug-addict's are not.

Not true.

They don't need to be judged, they need to be prayed for. They need to be loved...unconditionally.

"Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye and then you will clearly see to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Those are Jesus' words not mine and they can be found in Matthew Chapter 7 verse 5. 

Put that one on your bathroom mirror and look at it every morning and find that speck in your eye. I'm talking to myself here too folks. That verse is an eye-opener(no pun intended here either).

"Let he without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7

It isn't easy to love an addict. But we don't love people because they follow some "rules" we set in our head for how they need to behave, dress, act, etc. We love people because #1 Jesus told us to. Even our enemies, Jesus tells us to "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." 

Really Lord? So I have to love the guy that took my promotion? Yep. I have to love the boss that belittles me in front of coworkers? Yep. Love the husband that cheated on me? Uh-huh.

Man....following God's word isn't always easy.

Double yep.

We have to be there for the addict, however, sometimes you have to let them go, give them up to the Lord in prayer, and wait.

Waiting is the hardest.

It doesn't mean you don't care about them anymore, but you do what you can do to the best of your abilities and hope and pray that God will do the rest.

"With men all things are impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

This person I love...You are not just loved by the Almighty God who created you, but you are loved just as much by me.

And always will be.

God lead me to this scripture one night for my addict:

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and all your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." -Ezekiel 35:25-27

What Covid Taught Me About Family

 This is NOT a political post by any means.

This is NOT an "anti-mask" vs. "pro-mask" post.

This is simply a post about what I realized while lying in bed(some days feeling like I wanted to just have the good Lord take me home it was so bad) and how being stuck at home...with NOBODY physically here....that God still provides.

I'm not talking about cold hard cash kind of providing, nor am I talking about a new car, new wardrobe (or new body to fit into a thinner wardrobe). 

Nope.

I am talking about how, during my time of need and feeling alone and scared and sick as death, God provided me the most important thing you need during your worst times:

Family.

After my diagnosis, I got in my car and called my mommy. Yep, my MOMMY. Because who else do you call when you are scared?  She used that "mom voice" of conviction reassuring me that I won't die, and I will be fine and to just take care of myself. I was really scared, but my mom's voice eased my fears in that moment.

A friend of mine from the other campus I worked at for 6 years(my other family), called me that very night and asked me "OMG... I heard the news....how are you feeling?" I told her I was in pain and had a slight cough. 

Then came the following day.  Wasn't feeling any better, on top of that I had to call my ex and my daughter and let them both know I had covid. I was diagnosed on my daughter's birthday, of all the days in the calendar year, after wanting to give her the best sweet sixteen birthday ever, all that down the toilet with this stupid diagnosis. 

Telling my ex was a lot easier than telling my daughter. I knew him telling my boys would be fine and they would be a lot better with the news. They don't have much anxiety like my daughter and I do. 

That evening the front gate calls. Only a few people have my code to let them in. I didn't let the person in because I obviously didn't invite company over. Next thing I know I get a text shortly after from a friend of mine from the other campus saying "Are you home?" to which I reply, "Yep", and she says "Go look on your front porch."

There on my porch was this HUGE red glittery gift bag. Inside this bag was cough syrup, m and m's candy cane, a delicious scented candle, honey buns, cough drops, teas, and know I am forgetting more things, and a gift card for groceries. 

I almost cried.

I was touched by this act of kindness. God showed me that "Yes, Barb, there are people who love and care about you. Yes, Barb I will NEVER leave you or forsake you."

And God showed me by the act of kindness of these six amazing women who signed that card and pitched in for this gift. 

Another friend of mine from church stopped by with Powerade and apples and dropped it off on my front door step. Not once, but twice during my quarantine. Several of my church family members called, texted and sent me letters and my small group women's bible study family sent me a card of  encouragement and prayer.

I do believe that God sending these angels in plain clothes helped me heal emotionally and helped me fight this horrible sickness that was permeating my body.

My daughter called just about every night, and if I didn't respond right away she would keep texting or calling until I did respond. I tried to reassure her that I would not die, and I am getting better. 

Then, the biggest shock and the biggest blessing to my healing....my oldest twin son called me on November 15. "Do you have covid mom?" "Yes." "Are you going to be okay?" 

Concern. 

I held back tears of joy for his act of love and said "Yes, I will be fine." I told him how I felt and how bad it was in the beginning and that I am slowly on the mend.

10 days later, my youngest twin son called me. Asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was going to the ER the following day probably as I was a little dehydrated, but other than that I was fine. He told me that his brother and him got jobs and I was excited for him and his  brother and then we hung up because he had to drive. 

There has been a journey in my relationship with my twin boys. We have had some difficulties, but the fact that they called me was a major milestone. They just recently started hugging me again. We had a really awesome Thanksgiving this year.  First Thanksgiving in 4 years that I shared with  ALL of my three younger children who still live here.

That's a blog for another day.💜

I talked to my 25 year old son too during this whole drama. My 20 year old special needs son called me several times and I reassured him "Mommy will be just fine sweetie, I'm feeling better every day." 💜

Biggest surprise, I finally got to talk to my 21-year old, hearing his voice made me want to cry. 😭 But I held in the tears thankfully. 

Another woman from the other campus stopped by with pears and apples and water and toothpaste and a beautiful orchid(that surprisingly I haven't killed yet..haha). She brought me meatballs and spaghetti and some chocolate chip bakery cookies(Yum those were so delicious).

Towards the end of this madness I couldn't keep anything down. For 4 days I was vomiting 2-4 times a day. My lips and mouth were dry. I told my mom and she suggested Pedialyte. So I texted my neighbor across the way and she got me a bottle of Pedialyte. It seemed to help a little, but after a while the taste got to me. 

I was blessed beyond belief during this sickness.

God made sure his daughter felt his love, and made sure his daughter was taken care of while she was suffering. 

I am forever grateful to ALL those people who called, sent cards and gifts and went to the grocery store while I was down for the count.

Family isn't always blood. 

I had a whole other set of family members that made sure I was okay: Church, Work, and neighbors.

Thank you God for the following people:

My children first and foremost.💚

My Mommy. 💜

My amazing ladies' small group and best friends/family I could ask for: Heidi, Brenda, Heather, Nicole, Julie; and the rest of my "other" family: Sandy, Ilsy, Alicia, Mary, Rapunzel, Kylie, Heather J, Anna, Sandie, Vivien and the ER nurse and doctor who took such good care of me. Thank you all for your concern and care of me during one of the worst times of my life.  If I didn't mention your name here, thank you still. 

I love you all. 💜💛💚💙💔

Thank you to all those individuals who prayed for me and I may not even know you did.

I was  blessed.

Covid taught me that despite it's attempt to take me down and out physically and emotionally, God is MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE POWERFUL than Covid ever will be. 

God gave me the best families in the world; blood, work and church.

I am here now because of them.

To all of you who took care of me I just can't say it enough...

Thank you.💖😘