Look at the moon.
In this photo I took it looks so small and insignificant.
It looks so alone.
I pretty much feel like the moon looks at this moment in my life. Lots of changes have happened over this past year, and it has hit me with the force of a snowball in my face.
I assure you this blog has a happy ending, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't share my perfectly honest, perfectly raw feelings in a blog of some sort.
I want to purge out all the yuck in my head so the new year can start with a clean, positive happy slate.
I came to somewhat of a self-realization in the moment this morning after a good cleansing cry and after a failed attempt at a nap, that although I have a lot of friends, I am still alone.
It's New Year's Eve. And out of all the people I know, I have no plans tonight.
I was crying over my boy though, and not my lack of plans. There are other New Year's Eves but only one oldest son that I can't have back again. So, being alone on a very wintry, overcast, windy day (no snow I might add) , missing your lost child, and having nobody to hang with, well...not the best mixture for a girl in this season.
At least not in the moment anyway.
Truth is, I wouldn't dare go out on New Year's Eve anyway, worst night other than July 4th to hit the roads, know what I mean? Driving on a non-holiday is crazy around here, let alone the one night people drink like fish and drive all insane.
No thank you.
I'll pass.
I also realized that my kids don't need me anymore, and I have been replaced by important jobs, friends and internet games and Youtube. Twice my daughter has made plans on nights we were suppose to do things and then she canceled our plans. And I texted my son the other night and said, "Hey, if you want to call me later, I will be here."
My phone never rang.
This is not a "Poor me" blog or guilt blog by any means towards anyone. Let me make that clear. My kids are growing up and my friends have family and other friends, I am just saying that I realize that I have hit a new season of my life:
Empty Nester. 😒
And this new season in my life has so many challenges I wasn't ready to face. Of all the years for this season to hit, it had to be this year. Why couldn't it have been five years from now? Or ten?
It's happening now people, and it's taking my stupid head on a really crazy ride.
I don't like it, not one bit.
Yet, I know I am not alone in feeling this way. There are others like me out there I know, I just wish we could find one another and get each other through this really, really depressing season of life.
When my sadness was dwindling and the tears were drying up and I kept asking Jesus to keep me sane and help me snap out of this, a few thoughts entered into my mind(This, my dear reader is what the Lord put on my mind as I wrote this):
-Maybe they(friends) aren't venturing out on the roads either.
-Maybe they want some peace and quiet on New Year's eve, after the hustle and bustle of Christmas, especially my couples friends who have husbands or significant others in their lives.
-Maybe they have things they are going through too. I do know a few friends have personal things going on when I called them last. I know I'm not the only one having a hard season.
-Maybe, their priorities have changed in life, and getting together on New Year's Eve isn't even a thing for them.
-Maybe they are spending it with their children. MAYBE, just MAYBE it's not about me, and all about them and their needs and their families.
And that my dear reader is perfectly okay because that is how it should be.
Let's go back to that moon up there, that looks so small and alone, however, if you grabbed a telescope and looked at it at night, it is surrounded by stars and planets and comets and meteors and all kinds of bright, cool spacey stuff. It moves the tides of the oceans, and it would have to be pretty darn strong to do that.
It's not alone, nor is it insignificant.
Neither am I.
I may be alone physically, and my world may be dark sometimes but truth is God is with me. He never leaves me. He is always there. I called out to Jesus while lying in my bed, and in a matter of 20 minutes or so my tears dried up, my sadness fled and all those unnecessary thoughts in my head flew away. I tossed the covers off me, sat up in bed and said to myself, "This is not what I want to do right now."
Like that moon up there I AM surrounded by good friends and some family that I know I can call on if I really, really needed them. New Year's Eve is NOT a need, yet in the moment, it felt like one, because of where my mind wandered off to being alone in the moment. I wouldn't go out on New Year's Eve, I really wouldn't, but it's just the fact that I wasn't invited anywhere on New Year's Eve that got into my head and already broken heart and spiraled all over the place with sadness and feelings of loneliness.
I am so glad there is a new year on the horizon.
I am so done with this year.
I have so many things I want to accomplish.
There is good in my life.
For starters, I woke up this morning.
Also, God blessed me with a job that allows me the opportunity to afford taking these writing classes and making the tiny payments each month.
Also, I am looking forward to healthier eating(not a resolution by any means just a personal decision, because I do not like being out of breath or fighting to get off the floor at work when I'm done teaching the kids).
I'm gonna be okay.
I really am.
I already feel 90% better here, and will feel even better when I am back home with my groceries.
I have a grocery pick up and then a trip to the Walgreens and then I am going to work on my class workbook some more.
I did the same type of blog last year this time, purging all the "crap" out of my head and life. You can read it here if you want to, and I really hope I don't have to write another one of these next year. I can't write any more about my son this year either, I will honor him next year when his anniversary comes. I just can't do it now. I read old Facebook conversations between he and I last night, and it tore me up.
Please God I have faith you will bless me with goodness next year.
Things are going to be good,
Things are going to be great!
Because you are great Lord!
Happy New Year everyone.
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