Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 42:11
-Psalm 43:5
My feelings have been all over the map lately.
The why. I am still grappling the why of it all.
It's still too fresh.
So I won't go there right now.
I don't know when I will go there. But it isn't today.
I had a slight respite of sorts from all the crazy feelings in my heart and my head yesterday.
Friends of mine invited me out to a hike at Red Rock(seen below) followed by lunch. I am blessed to have some awesome sisters like them in my life. I would be curled up in a fetal position balling my eyes out if it wasn't for them checking in on me this week.
Since I got home, life has gone on for everyone on the planet and my life stood still. Then I was in robot mode; work, eat, cry, sleep(or try to anyway), repeat daily with some laughter thrown in here and there and the occasional staring into space or trying to contain tears during the working hours.
That was the hardest thing to do some days.
I thank God for the tiny humans that make me giggle. I thank God for the people at work who are a listening ear for me before I start my day, so if I feel tears I can shed them before my day starts.
This week, for some reason, I felt very, very alone in all this inside my head.
In kind of a void of sorts. Really just surviving...or floating around aimlessly in my body while my mind is scattered in several directions. Responsibilities and bills and past due bills and a stupid car that the mechanic didn't fix because it's doing the same freaking thing it was doing when I took it in to him to be fixed and it was "fixed" for like 2 months, and a teenage daughter and getting her to and from work and school and my work and everything that has gone on the past 2 months I am still absorbing the reality of it all.
My head has met it's max capacity for "stuff".
A friend of mine from my Wednesday Warriors group happened to text Thursday because I wasn't at group this past week, as I had a massive meltdown as i left work that day and needed to go home and just cry it out and go to sleep.
That is when the hike and lunch idea was brought to fruition.
I escaped life for a brief moment. Three wonderful hours to be exact.
Came home and napped and felt a little better. Watched some T.V. and went back to bed for the night.
This...my blog...is my respite.
This is my safe space where I can talk about whatever I want to talk about. Whenever I want to talk about it.
I love talking about God most importantly. Because without Him, the great provider, Who provides me with the most amazing circle of friends and the most amazing church and the most amazing job with some of the most amazing co-workers(who I consider some dear friends) I don't know how I would survive out here during this season in my life when my mom and the rest of my family is back home, including my son God bless them all. They have each other for a circle of support and comfort, thank you Jesus I have my "people" here.
I thank God every day he placed the right people at the right time in my life.
God's timing is amazing.
That's not cliche' it's truth.
I babysat tonight, so I'm feeling okay today. I will give today an 8 on a scale from 1 to 10. One being horribly emotional and not wanting to leave my bed or home to 10 being God gave me the perfect day.
Thanks for listening to me.
I miss blogging and not sure how often I will be writing. I have other blogs I have started, but as I said earlier I am not ready to "go there" just yet. Maybe a year from now.
Maybe never.
God knows.
Until next time....
