Be the Light

Make  me a channel of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love

Where there is injury, Your pardon Lord

And where there's doubt, true faith in You.

Make me a channel of Your peace

Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope

Where there is darkness, only light

And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Oh Master, grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of Your peace

It is pardoning that we are pardoned

In giving to all men that we receive

And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Today was a lazy day for me.

I woke up, played some Words With Friends with my mom back in the Hoosier state, then I made some Cabbage Soup and then ate two bowls of the above-mentioned Cabbage Soup while watching some Hulu and chatting with a friend via text. 

After I ate the soup and cleaned my mess I decided to hop on the internet and then my son called me from Texas. 

I love him.

I miss him.

And I know we will see each other again, because God loves the both of us.

But that's a story for another day.  

Not a bad story either, just a story.

You are probably wondering why the words to The Prayer of St. Francis is on the very top of my blog here. I'm not Catholic, so I don't pray to Saints, but I'm also not into Football, yet I do watch the Superbowl, not just for the ads, but I always root for the underdog because I enjoy it. 

There's a reason I posted that song(and the video below), it was going through my head non-stop for some reason while I was cleaning up the mess from the cake I made this afternoon. 

I haven't heard that song since I was in the choir at my Catholic grade school 30-plus years ago.  But it wouldn't stop going through my head.  All I kept hearing was, "Make me a channel of your peace, where there is hatred let me bring your love, where there is darkness, only light and where there is sadness ever joy."  I could hear the song. Those were the only words I heard. Over, and over and over again.

So I Googled it.

It's a beautiful song.

So many versions out there, I chose this one:

I am not quite sure why this is in my head. 

I am not always going to share things said between friends and I on here, because their thoughts are private, and sometimes it's something that just needs to be between a friend (or friends and I). But I will say, a friend mentioned to me about how we can be a light.

That's all I'll say.

So I wonder if God is saying, "Be a light for me Barb."

Here I am Lord, do with me as you will.

Not my will, but yours.

Now that song "Thy Will be Done" is in my brain.  That's just because I know it well, and heard it earlier.

You know, Moses didn't want to do what God asked him to do. He had a speech problem. Yet, God used him.  Saul killed Christians, and God used him to be a light and spread His message and changed his name to Paul. 

So I sit here and think, why would God want me to be a light? 

It's not just me though people. 

It's all of us.

We are all saints. We are all ministers of God's word. You don't even have to read EVERY book of the Bible. You could read one or two verses. Sometimes you may not even read a verse and The Holy Spirit will guide you and give you the words to speak to others and allow you to give God the glory. 

I know someone who is going through some stuff.

 

I want to help her and I try so hard to be like Jesus, but let me tell you it isn't easy.  She will text me at the most inconvenient times of the day.I'm getting better but to be honest, it's a slow process. I don't complain to anyone, except God above and I ask for strength and grace and forgiveness for being so selfish. 

Because let's be honest, it's being selfish when you don't want to help someone who is suffering no matter the time of day or how you feel.  Someone who is broken needs guidance and comfort.  We are all broken folks; Some of us more than others some days.  But as a Christian, we need to help those who can't help themselves. 

 

Proverbs 12:11 says "He who works his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment."

So we need to help those who help themselves, still show grace and mercy to those who don't help themselves and know when sometimes God tells us to move on and be a light to someone else.

That isn't always easy.

I'm really being transparent here because I am not perfect and I'm trying very hard to be someone who is not insensitive and who shows others the love of Jesus.

As far as this woman goes, I am learning to show grace to her.  I am learning to not sigh deeply when she complains over and over and over about the same topic that is causing her grief. I am learning. It's a process. Because ladies and gentleman, years ago this same woman was me. 

It's true. 

And I lost a lot of friends, or so I thought at the time.  But it's true God takes people away from you to make room for the people He wants in your life.  I have not had friends since 2006. No joke. I just stopped trying to make them because I got tired of people leaving me. I had serious trust and abandonment issues. I talked to people at work but that was it.

It's not easy to be like Jesus. I'm not saying "BE JESUS", but be "LIKE JESUS" to the best of your abilities.

See the difference?

I want to help others.  I want to be that person, when someone feels like all hope is lost and they feel like dying, and may really truly feel like trying, I want to be the one they call at 3 a.m. in the middle of their darkness and show them the light of Christ.  That there is hope. And that this is just a season that they can get through with God's word and strength. ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Phillipians 4:13)

I remember hearing a pastor say during a sermon, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Truth.

I know that being there for someone means being there for them even when it's not a convenience. I have done that for a few people. Likewise I have a whole slew of people who were there for me when I was a single, scared, pregnant 20-year old. I had people there for me when I had to leave my ex and take my kids and start over and find a job and a place to live and it was scary and I was annoying to others some days I know, but there were people who were still there for me. They listened to me on the phone, or online, or in texts.  They drove me around or  loaned me their cars when I needed to get to court or job interviews.

They didn't leave me. 

God put them in my life for that season.

They didn't get tired of me complaining.

I complained about my ex, I complained about my lack of  job, about the kids fighting, about hating this city, about missing home, yet despite ALL THAT, they didn't leave me.

I am going to share something.  *spoiler alert, happy ending here, but not the kind you think*

I was suppose to adopt my grand babies a while ago. I was excited, my daughter rearranged her whole room for them to come.  I bought bunk beds, took classes, ran around getting documents and bought sheets and pillows. 

She was so excited because she always wanted a sister, and even though they were her nieces, it was like she would have two sisters to hang out with, and share stories with IN HER ROOM! Slumber parties, and painting nails and doing hair and heading to the park. I had a list of all the places we were going to visit when they finally made it here; Cactus Garden lights at Christmas Time, Church, Red Rock trails. We rearranged our whole entire life for this big life moment!

Then, one day, a week before I was to fly out to see them and meet with everyone involved in the case, the caseworker texted me these words, "I need to touch base with you regarding the girls."

I had a bad feeling.  

They weren't coming.

I had lost them before I had a chance to see them.  I didn't get to hug them and tell them how much I love them. My daughter didn't even get a chance to finally meet them after talking to them on the phone for many nights and becoming emotionally involved. 

My heart broke into a million pieces. 

How would I tell my daughter??

This wasn't fair God! WHY??

I cried for days.

I couldn't eat.

Barely slept. 

Cried some more. 

My daughter just said, "I just had a feeling they wouldn't come," all melancholy and dry.

Talk about being at the end of your rope. I had no rope, I had no hope, I was numb.

I was angry at God and for 5 weeks I didn't go to church. 

Then we had a situation at our church that caused us to leave it permanently. And I just felt betrayed by people I trusted and most importantly betrayed by God.  

I was bitter and angry.

Not a great place to be by any means.

Truth be told, all this was a blessing in disguise.

During the month of March I was severely ill. Really bad, I am not being dramatic here. It wasn't covid, but it was something my doctor couldn't figure it out. I was on five different meds, had a chest x-ray and it took six weeks for it to get out of my body.  I scared my daughter twice waking up and I couldn't breathe(scared myself too) I was choking and couldn't get any air.

I kept thinking after the fact, "If the girls were here, how would I have taken care of them?" I barely made it taking care of my daughter, and she is a lot more self-sufficient than an 8 and 13 year old. Yes, I have taken care of my children when I have had the flu or allergies or 2 hours of sleep, but they have been with me all their life. I think this might have been a bit traumatic for for the girls. 

God hung onto me that whole time.

He helped me make peace with me losing them. He helped me make peace with those who hurt my daughter and I.  I found forgiveness and comfort and most importantly...Peace.

He stirred my heart and I began looking for other churches.

Before I knew it, I found my home church where I have been since January 12th.

They are my family now.

I am in a small women's group for Bible Study. I have an actual circle of friends.  I have real, true friends who are my family. We are all there for one another and pray with one another.

And I love them all. 

My daughter loved the youth group.

Will we ever see the girls? Only God knows. 

I get to see them online in photos and we chat once a month maybe twice. Time zones stink sometimes. 

They are happy.

So now I'm happy they are happy. 

God healed me.

And if it wasn't for God and my work family I don't know what I'd of done.

But they listened to me. They let me cry. They let me get angry. They let me heal.

And God was there the whole time. 

He was putting people in my path to get me through one of many of the worst storms in my life. I've had others, and He brought me through those too.

So if those individuals can get me through all the yuck I had in my life, surely I can be there to get another person, or two or ten or 100 through their yuck part of life, right?

Be the light folks.

God isn't asking us to part a sea, or build an ark or build an army. He just wants us to spread his word and show the love of Christ to others.

I have to go and share a cake with someone now and see how they are doing. 

Have a blessed week.