May 29, 2001
I sat on the floor of the furnished hotel room, as I clenched the bottle of pills in my hand. I had no purpose anymore. In my mind, I was worthless; I was a significant failure to my parents and a major disappointment to my children due to life choices I had made at the time.
I had nothing to lose at this point.
I had let them all down.
I was lost and felt so alone.
I opened the lid and shook the bottle of pills into my hand and tossed them in my mouth. They slid down my throat like tiny little candies.
I just wanted to die.
I threw the bottle of whatever pills were left, outside the open front door, as more pills spilled onto the concrete. I watched the pill bottle slowly roll into a crack in the sidewalk.
I sat still on the floor, leaning against the front of the couch, my head held down as I sobbed profusely.
I was hoping it would happen quickly. I began to feel sleep comforting me, as my eyelids became heavier. "Soon it will be over," I thought, as my eyelids gently closed.
It was at that very moment that God sent someone to save me.
That someone was in the form of an acquaintance of mine who had seen the pill bottle fly out my front door. She had run quickly to grab my friend Tawanda to come to my rescue. Tawanda yelled at me telling me that I was worth more than this. She told me that my children needed me. She peeled all my clothes off of me, and with all her might and with all her love she shoved me into the shower.
I said words to her in that moment that would make my grandmother blush. I was angry. I wanted this life to be over.
She was ruining my plan!
That's right! MY PLAN!
I wasn't even thinking about God's plan for my life, because at that point in my life I had been mad at God and wanted NOTHING to do with Him. Tawanda held me in the shower, and with a stern, loving look in her eyes, she said to me, "If I can help it, you are NOT going to die tonight Barb!"
Though I did not have a relationship with the Lord at the time, He knew that moment would be my God Story one day, and a story that would save another life that was just as precious as mine.
I can tell you that HE is there with you in your darkest hours. When you are feeling so alone and so afraid and so discouraged and disgusted with yourself for whatever reason, God is there with you and he will never leave you nor forsake you(Deuteronomy 31:6). Despite the fact that I said mean and awful things about God, He held onto my neck like a Mother cat with her unruly kitten. He knew that world out there was dangerous and He knew what evil lurked at every corner.
He wouldn't leave me.
He pursued me and left the 99 for me(Luke 15:3-7).
Can you believe that?!
He'll leave the 99 for you too!
A few months after that horrible night, I was sitting on the curb waiting on my bus. I was crying hysterically. Some random woman walked over and sat right next to me. "Hello, I saw you crying and God asked me to come over to you and pray if that's okay."
"Whatever," I replied as I shrugged my shoulders. She put her arm around me and began to pray for me.
God had sent me another angel.
As I look at my past, all the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness and my need to be loved, validated and protected were because I relied on PEOPLE to make me feel secure and loved. I know realize that through it all, the One who never left me and the One who is my eternal security is God; "I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you," -Isaiah 46:4 NKJV
Thinking back to that awful night and the nights and years that followed, I realize that God never left me. He hasn't left you either. He let me wobble around on my spiritual training wheels, crashing to the ground here and there, but He held onto me and never stopped loving me either.
You are going to have moments that you regret, we ALL do.
You are going to have moments where the devil whispers lies in your ear either through thoughts in your head or the negative words of others thrown in your direction, especially those you love most and are closest to you on most occasions, that are meant to destroy you.
"You are worthless, what will people think of you now that you did that?"
"You are an idiot!"
"You are the worst Mother, friend, daughter!"
The list goes on....
He will use these thoughts to hurt you or to make you feel that your worth is the sum of all your mistakes in life...it's not!
You are worth more than rubies!
"She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her,"
-Proverbs 31:5
The worst lie the devil will tell you is, "Nobody loves you!"
The devil will take the mistakes you have made in your life and turn them into a whole mountain of lies in your head.
Don't listen to him!
Listen to the one who made you! You know He made you in HIS image sister! Look in that mirror?
What do you see?
You know what I see??
That my dear sweet sister is God's most beautiful creation...
YES! IT'S YOU!
He formed you and He has a purpose for your life.
You are loved so much by our Heavenly Father!
Isn't that awesome?!
Call on Him!
Worship Him!
Read His Word!
If you are feeling alone, whether you are a believer in Jesus or not, know that there are pastors, therapists, and church family who will envelop you with love, prayers and support without judgment, no matter the life choices you have made. There is an almighty God who is there for you and can do what no man can do...give you His eternal love and protection.
God loves you. He has you in His hands. Turn around and fall into His arms.
He'll catch you and never let you go.
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If you or a family member suffers from depression or you or a family member may have had thoughts of self-harm or suicide there are people out there who can help.
If you know of a family member or a friend who has gone "radio silent" and you haven't heard from them in a while, send them a text, bring them lunch or offer to take them out for coffee.
The holidays can often set off triggers of loneliness or feelings of despair for those who live alone, have just lost a loved one, are veterans, had a break up, lost a job or are in an abusive relationship.
Some individuals may have addictions or mental illnesses that may enhance emotions of depression or anxiety. If you think a loved one may be thinking suicidal/self-harm thoughts you can contact local authorities to do a wellness check on them if you still don't hear from them after a few texts or phone calls.
Below is a small list of numbers for those who need to seek help or need resources to help you or a loved one.
God bless!
*988 Suicide Hotline
*211 Mental Health Resources
*(800)-799-7233 Domestic Violence Support
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