I Saw an Addict Today and I Cried

I saw an addict today.

He asked me for money.

I asked him what he needed the money for...he said, "Chips". I told him I would buy him the chips and asked what kind he liked. I would have bought him a whole big bag of chips of any brand.

Then he hesitated and said, "I just need the money."

I said, "Well, I only have my card on me. I only pay with my card." I paused and continued. "You don't need the money for food do you?"

He then said to me, "I need a Gatorade."

First it's chips, then it's Gatorade, I knew where this was going.

I said, "What flavor? I will buy it for you."

He said , "That's fine." and walked away.

My heart was breaking for this addict.

The tears began falling down my cheek as I walked to my car with my groceries.

Because someone I love very dearly suffers from addiction and seeing this man, well it reminded me of this someone I love. And you can't help an addict until they want to help themselves. And it's like a very, very, slow train wreck and sometimes you are part of the wreck and sometimes not.

This person I love(whom we shall call "Steve" for purposes of anonymity) would call me for money, over time I stopped sending money and told them I would send them food. I would order groceries so they could eat and they could pick them up at Walmart or the local grocery chain if need be and asked to do so, but I would not send money.

Here's the thing honey, I am not sending you money, not because I don't love you, but because I do.  

Because I know that money will go up your nose or in your veins. Because I know that money is doing the devil's work in you and I love you so much and I pray for you and worry for you and love you so much that I just can't send you that money. 

I could have given that man money outside the grocery store, but I didn't. Because somewhere in this city or country he has a mother, father, brother, son, daughter, aunt, uncle or best friend who loves him and wants him to get clean.

I could feel tears welling up in me. I held it together until I got into the car...and then....I lost it.

I want to just find Steve and tell him, "No sin is so great, no sin is so horrible that the love of God can't forgive you, and that I have already forgiven you for the ugly telephone conversations where you said ugly mean things to me. And that whatever you have done in the past, give your shame to God and let it go, because He is such a loving Father, He has already forgiven AND forgotten it and so should you." 

Whatever you had to do, steal, lie, destroy others lives or property, God has forgiven you and so have I.  You make amends, ask forgiveness and move on.

You my dear Steve are an amazing, smart, strong person. A wonderful father, who like any parent made a mistake.

Broken crayons can still create a beautiful picture, and you my dear "Steve" can still make a beautiful life for you and your immediate family and all of us who love you.

We are all broken. I tell my daughter this all.the.time.

I have made many mistakes in my life and I REFUSE to judge the sins of others when I have my own sins to deal with myself. God has forgiven my past sins and He's already forgiven my future sins.

Some people still hold my sins in their hearts and minds. Steve I am here to tell you that it doesn't matter what those people whisper about you behind closed doors. It doesn't matter if they can't forgive you, that is between God and them....it has NOTHING, LET ME REPEAT, NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. 

Nobody is perfect Steve...not even lil' ol' me.

In the end it only matters only what GOD thinks of you and HE thinks you are an amazing child of His, created in HIS image. You are a gift to others around you, He created you for a purpose in this life to fulfill before you get to Heaven.

"All things work together for good for those who love God and are called to His purpose". Romans 8:28

And to all those out there who sit in judgment of an addict(whether you know them or not),NEVER sit there with disdain in your eyes and your heart saying something like,  "I can't believe she could be so stupid to be an addict." I saw that on a post one time and I wanted to reply to that post, but I didn't. Because I knew I would not be having a kind conversation as it was too close to home for me and instead of listening to the spirit, my flesh would come out.

You don't call them stupid, to their face or behind their backs because that poor addict did not wake up one day and say, "I think my life goal is to use various hallucinogenic drugs to eat up my brain cells and cause various infections from needles to course through my body while I slowly destroy my family, my job, and my health." 

NO!

They use because there are emotional issues going on that they want to escape instead of facing them, they use drugs as an emotional release.  We ALL have some sort of addiction as a good 99% of us have problems that are sometimes just unbearable, or we are an onion like Shrek(good movie) and just don't want to face reality soooo.. instead of turning to God we may turn to one of these poor choices, in excess:

Alcohol, excessive eating, sex hoarding, binging shows on tv, playing games online all day or shopping online all day, excessive spending/gambling...and I am telling you that we ALL are or have been  guilty of some form of addiction.  

It's just for most of us, others can't see it. So clearly, the reasons behind our addictions are justified, but a drug-addict's are not.

Not true.

They don't need to be judged, they need to be prayed for. They need to be loved...unconditionally.

"Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye and then you will clearly see to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Those are Jesus' words not mine and they can be found in Matthew Chapter 7 verse 5. 

Put that one on your bathroom mirror and look at it every morning and find that speck in your eye. I'm talking to myself here too folks. That verse is an eye-opener(no pun intended here either).

"Let he without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7

It isn't easy to love an addict. But we don't love people because they follow some "rules" we set in our head for how they need to behave, dress, act, etc. We love people because #1 Jesus told us to. Even our enemies, Jesus tells us to "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." 

Really Lord? So I have to love the guy that took my promotion? Yep. I have to love the boss that belittles me in front of coworkers? Yep. Love the husband that cheated on me? Uh-huh.

Man....following God's word isn't always easy.

Double yep.

We have to be there for the addict, however, sometimes you have to let them go, give them up to the Lord in prayer, and wait.

Waiting is the hardest.

It doesn't mean you don't care about them anymore, but you do what you can do to the best of your abilities and hope and pray that God will do the rest.

"With men all things are impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

This person I love...You are not just loved by the Almighty God who created you, but you are loved just as much by me.

And always will be.

God lead me to this scripture one night for my addict:

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and all your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." -Ezekiel 35:25-27

What Covid Taught Me About Family

 This is NOT a political post by any means.

This is NOT an "anti-mask" vs. "pro-mask" post.

This is simply a post about what I realized while lying in bed(some days feeling like I wanted to just have the good Lord take me home it was so bad) and how being stuck at home...with NOBODY physically here....that God still provides.

I'm not talking about cold hard cash kind of providing, nor am I talking about a new car, new wardrobe (or new body to fit into a thinner wardrobe). 

Nope.

I am talking about how, during my time of need and feeling alone and scared and sick as death, God provided me the most important thing you need during your worst times:

Family.

After my diagnosis, I got in my car and called my mommy. Yep, my MOMMY. Because who else do you call when you are scared?  She used that "mom voice" of conviction reassuring me that I won't die, and I will be fine and to just take care of myself. I was really scared, but my mom's voice eased my fears in that moment.

A friend of mine from the other campus I worked at for 6 years(my other family), called me that very night and asked me "OMG... I heard the news....how are you feeling?" I told her I was in pain and had a slight cough. 

Then came the following day.  Wasn't feeling any better, on top of that I had to call my ex and my daughter and let them both know I had covid. I was diagnosed on my daughter's birthday, of all the days in the calendar year, after wanting to give her the best sweet sixteen birthday ever, all that down the toilet with this stupid diagnosis. 

Telling my ex was a lot easier than telling my daughter. I knew him telling my boys would be fine and they would be a lot better with the news. They don't have much anxiety like my daughter and I do. 

That evening the front gate calls. Only a few people have my code to let them in. I didn't let the person in because I obviously didn't invite company over. Next thing I know I get a text shortly after from a friend of mine from the other campus saying "Are you home?" to which I reply, "Yep", and she says "Go look on your front porch."

There on my porch was this HUGE red glittery gift bag. Inside this bag was cough syrup, m and m's candy cane, a delicious scented candle, honey buns, cough drops, teas, and know I am forgetting more things, and a gift card for groceries. 

I almost cried.

I was touched by this act of kindness. God showed me that "Yes, Barb, there are people who love and care about you. Yes, Barb I will NEVER leave you or forsake you."

And God showed me by the act of kindness of these six amazing women who signed that card and pitched in for this gift. 

Another friend of mine from church stopped by with Powerade and apples and dropped it off on my front door step. Not once, but twice during my quarantine. Several of my church family members called, texted and sent me letters and my small group women's bible study family sent me a card of  encouragement and prayer.

I do believe that God sending these angels in plain clothes helped me heal emotionally and helped me fight this horrible sickness that was permeating my body.

My daughter called just about every night, and if I didn't respond right away she would keep texting or calling until I did respond. I tried to reassure her that I would not die, and I am getting better. 

Then, the biggest shock and the biggest blessing to my healing....my oldest twin son called me on November 15. "Do you have covid mom?" "Yes." "Are you going to be okay?" 

Concern. 

I held back tears of joy for his act of love and said "Yes, I will be fine." I told him how I felt and how bad it was in the beginning and that I am slowly on the mend.

10 days later, my youngest twin son called me. Asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was going to the ER the following day probably as I was a little dehydrated, but other than that I was fine. He told me that his brother and him got jobs and I was excited for him and his  brother and then we hung up because he had to drive. 

There has been a journey in my relationship with my twin boys. We have had some difficulties, but the fact that they called me was a major milestone. They just recently started hugging me again. We had a really awesome Thanksgiving this year.  First Thanksgiving in 4 years that I shared with  ALL of my three younger children who still live here.

That's a blog for another day.💜

I talked to my 25 year old son too during this whole drama. My 20 year old special needs son called me several times and I reassured him "Mommy will be just fine sweetie, I'm feeling better every day." 💜

Biggest surprise, I finally got to talk to my 21-year old, hearing his voice made me want to cry. 😭 But I held in the tears thankfully. 

Another woman from the other campus stopped by with pears and apples and water and toothpaste and a beautiful orchid(that surprisingly I haven't killed yet..haha). She brought me meatballs and spaghetti and some chocolate chip bakery cookies(Yum those were so delicious).

Towards the end of this madness I couldn't keep anything down. For 4 days I was vomiting 2-4 times a day. My lips and mouth were dry. I told my mom and she suggested Pedialyte. So I texted my neighbor across the way and she got me a bottle of Pedialyte. It seemed to help a little, but after a while the taste got to me. 

I was blessed beyond belief during this sickness.

God made sure his daughter felt his love, and made sure his daughter was taken care of while she was suffering. 

I am forever grateful to ALL those people who called, sent cards and gifts and went to the grocery store while I was down for the count.

Family isn't always blood. 

I had a whole other set of family members that made sure I was okay: Church, Work, and neighbors.

Thank you God for the following people:

My children first and foremost.💚

My Mommy. 💜

My amazing ladies' small group and best friends/family I could ask for: Heidi, Brenda, Heather, Nicole, Julie; and the rest of my "other" family: Sandy, Ilsy, Alicia, Mary, Rapunzel, Kylie, Heather J, Anna, Sandie, Vivien and the ER nurse and doctor who took such good care of me. Thank you all for your concern and care of me during one of the worst times of my life.  If I didn't mention your name here, thank you still. 

I love you all. 💜💛💚💙💔

Thank you to all those individuals who prayed for me and I may not even know you did.

I was  blessed.

Covid taught me that despite it's attempt to take me down and out physically and emotionally, God is MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE POWERFUL than Covid ever will be. 

God gave me the best families in the world; blood, work and church.

I am here now because of them.

To all of you who took care of me I just can't say it enough...

Thank you.💖😘

Look Up

Today is Thanksgiving.

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

For starters, I survived Covid. Yeah, that's right, Covid. I never wanted to talk about that stupid disease or whatever you want to call it on my blog here, but it found me, and it didn't kill me. Some nights I asked God to just let it kill me, I was in so much pain and crying in my bed...alone. But God saved me, and I'm here to celebrate another holiday with my daughter and I was invited to her dad's to celebrate there as well. We're going to head there after our dinner(we eat early). 

It's been a very trying year for me. 

I know, I am not the only one. I am more blessed than some in the fact I still have my job and my health and my children's health. 

This year tested my patience and my faith.  There were times I wondered if God really was real.  I'm being transparent here people.  Things would happen in my life and I would get so mad, and feel sorry for myself, but the truth is if you believe in God and you KNOW you are a child of God and you stay in His word and you are a light to others, you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself.  

Because you are too filled with the light of Jesus to be miserable. No matter your circumstances, you weather through it with God's strength. 

We have all had some sort of upheaval this year. I don't care how much money is in your bank account or how much isn't. Material things don't bring joy. Material things don't bring contentment. Material things don't make you feel secure when you lay your head down at night.

Only God can do that.

Truth.

So give thanks this year no matter how impossible your circumstances may seem this year. No matter how dark your situation is....look to the light....Jesus Christ. 

Look up. 

When the clouds are dark, and the storms are swirling and things seem hopeless...look up and see the light. 

He is there.

Stay in the word and be a blessing to others and you will find, at the end of the day, that your life really isn't as bad as you think it is.

You're still alive and God isn't done with you yet.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

By the Grace of God

"By the grace of God I am still standing."

How many times have you uttered those words? I have managed to say those words at least a hundred times, if not more in my lifetime.

I have made choices, gone through battles, and won tiny parenting wars after which I have said those words.

God's grace and strength has been with me throughout this week.  Especially one day this week, when someone got snarky with me and all I said was "Please be patient someone is on their way," to which this person replied, "Take a chill pill."

The flesh in me wanted to make a snarky comment back, I could feel God saying,  " Show this person love. Show them grace." Then my pastor's sermon on Corinthians 13(Love Is) could not have been more appropriate a teaching than in this moment.

As I stood there, wanting to snark back....

I said nothing.

I let go and let God.

It's amazing how God works. He righted the wrong and when I ran into this person at a later time, she said to me, "I was just kidding. I am so sorry. I didn't mean that to be rude. I am sorry." 

I looked at this person and I said "It's okay."

Forgiven...just like that.

I then said something to another person next to me, I said, "I read my Bible and I practice what I preach."

Hmm...

I did mean what I said, but I think a tad bit of pride was in my tone.

I hate when God does something amazing and then I go ahead and screw it up with stupid pride.  This is God's conviction. Immediately I knew, as soon as it came out of my mouth, that I was not being Christ-like in my tone.

But God forgave me, just like I forgave that woman, and instantly righted my wrong.

"Not one is righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10)

Including me, including you, including that pastor behind the podium who maybe did something, that according to your "flesh-filled lenses" wasn't biblically right, including that person at McDonald's who didn't smile when you walked up to the counter with a smile, including that person who cut you off in traffic, including your own children, including your own parents and employers and your neighbor next door.

"My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness."(2 Cor 12:9)

We need to remember that when someone wrongs us, we have to show them love and not judgment. Even if we aren't feeling our best.

I had a rough week. It started with an after-church lunch at a very special friend's house from church. I had to excuse myself early for health reasons, and I was mad  at my "stupid body" that I even had to leave. We were having such a great time. I went to work Monday, and wouldn't ya know it, I bent down to wipe off the table at work and PING this sharp pain ricocheted around my front and back and down my left leg. I was hunched over the table, and could...not...move.

I did the best to sit in the tiny-human chair behind me and told my co-teacher, "Um, I am just going to hang out here for a minute. I pulled something in my lower back."  It was just a crazy busy week this week in the classroom, crying, stomping feet, the sometimes unforeseen scenario in a preschool but it was taking a toll on my already mentally and physically strained body.

My hormones were in overdrive, I had this really bad headache two days in a row, cramps and hot flashes but somehow, someway, by the Grace of God and His strength, I made it through my week.

I showed love even when I didn't feel(physically or mentally) very lovely.

Do I get angry?

Yes.

Have I yelled before?

Absolutely.

But I am learning, that when I stay in God's word, I am less likely to snap and more likely to surrender no matter what my circumstances are.

I do my best to not complain.

I do my best to honor God in my words and actions.

Today is my last day of work for the week. 

Yes, we get a three-day weekend here in the state of Nevada. Tomorrow is Nevada day. My Indiana friends might want to look into an Indiana day for their three-day weekend. LOL.

I am going to enjoy the holiday party with my little monsters, and princesses and Paw Patrol folk and all my wonderfully amazing coworkers.

I am going to make sure that when people say things or do things or cut me off in traffic or don't acknowledge my presence, that I still remember to surrender my flesh and hold onto Jesus.

Have  a great weekend.

Stay safe.

My Baby Girl Isn't Such a Baby Anymore

I was sick as a dog this morning.

I am thankful for the prayer of friends....and a much-needed 3 hour nap.

I feel so...much...better. I am cooking dinner now. This morning the last thing on my mind when I woke up was eating anything...or cooking anything for that matter. My throat was on fire, I was coughing and sneezing and my nose was so congested. I felt "weird" like achy and my arms just had this weird feeling. I can't explain it. 

I was sure I was dying.

But here I am.

Guess I'm not dying after all. LOL.

I missed choir at church. I was so upset about that. I really, truly was. I love worship the most at church. Yes, I always love the message our pastor shares and he has this amazing way of sharing the message that even a non-believer would say "whoa! I get it!" but worship is awesome. 

I remember when I first started going to this church back in January. I saw all those people up there in the choir and all I kept thinking was "I would love to sing up there." I don't have much of a voice,  "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called," this is definitely a true statement. I can sing SOME soprano but those Mariah Carey high notes won't be escaping my mouth any time soon. I am a second soprano according to the amazing elderly woman who "drafted" me into choir(even though when she asked, "can you sing?" I replied, "NOPE.")

Apparently she(and God) saw something in me I didn't see.

So here I am now, 8:40 at night, well rested and having just finished dinner and now blogging here as I listen to Charles Stanley in the background. I do feel like I could sleep more, and I probably will go back to bed soon, but I need to make sure that my daughter does the dishes and we get this box of 50+ videos into our storage on the patio. We should just sell them all. I could probably get fifty bucks for the whole box. 

It's a big box.

Fifty bucks is a huge bargain for these videos.

Any takers out there?

Anyway....

On another topic my daughter is growing up way too fast. 

I know it's crazy to think, that an almost 16 year old girl can actually think for herself, be her own person and not rely on the wisdom of a 50 year old who carried her in her womb for 9 months, changed her diapers, listened to her problems and gave her "mom-amazing" advice and watched her grow into this beautiful, funny, smart, caring, amazing young woman she's become.

She loves making Frappucinos in the blender. Ever since I found the recipe, my bags of ice, milk, chocolate syrup and chocolate chips have disappeared at a rapid pace these days. She also loves her Ramen noodles. She calls them RAH-mens I call them RAY-mens. I told her that's the right way to say it, because when you pray you say AY-men, not AH-men.  She INSISTS she is saying it the correct way.

I digress.

She turns 16 next month. 

That's right....SIXTEEN!!!

I cried yesterday about this. Actually I cried over the Dan and Shay concert we were suppose to attend at the T-Mobile arena yesterday that was cancelled due to that C word I am tired of hearing about. I cried because I wanted to buy her a T-shirt and we would share our first country concert together and dance all crazy and just have fun. I also cried because when my daughter was 13, and that's the first of many "big birthday moments", especially in a young girls life, not ONE of my friends or hers at the time could make it to celebrate her big day. 

NOT...ONE.

Some of them were actual legitimate reasons. I got why most people couldn't come, but that didn't make it any less painful for either one of us, especially her. Clearly my daughter is not some Disney sensation, or a princess or a rock star, where everyone wants to come to her party, but she's my daughter and being my daughter she is MY princess, MY rock star and MORE.

I still made her a cake that Saturday and we lit candles and I took a pic of her holding that cake and blowing out the candles on that cake and posted them on Facebook and then after the last picture, she looked at me with tears in her eyes, and I looked at her and we both started to cry.

It hurt my heart that nobody, not one soul, could come, even for 10 minutes to sing and share cake with my daughter to celebrate the day she became a teenager.  She curled up in my arms on the couch and she cried and I cried and I brushed her hair with my fingers and told her how sorry I was that nobody came. 

Then we ate cake.

We played games.

She survived and so did I.

She is a strong young woman, I saw it in her at 13 and I see it even more now at almost 16. 

I won't lie, it hurts to see her separate from me. But this is what daughters do. If she did everything I told her to do, she'd be a computer, or a robot, and that isn't what I want my daughter to be.  

I want her to be an independent thinker.

I want her to be comfortable sharing her views, even if they clash with mine(or anyone else for that matter). I want her to know how to fix a flat, how to balance her bank account, and know how to get around at an airport and not panic when she is hiking and forgets which way to turn and she will know how to find her way back because of her awesome logic and self-taught knowledge of life and the world.

I want her to know that I love her regardless if down the road she is a democrat and I, a Republican, and we have different views. And even if we argue because of those differing views, I still love her regardless.

She will make choices I won't always agree with. But I have to let her fly a little and feel the consequences whether good or bad of those choices.

She is a smart cookie and boy does she have a logical brain in her head.

I remember one time we were in the store.  I was upset because the mechanics who had just taken 540 some dollars of my hard earned money didn't fix my car. I was annoyed and complaining as we walked down the Ramen aisle and she says "well mom it's kind of like a doctor.  Sometimes it takes  a few tests before they figure out what's wrong with you. Same thing with your car."

I gave her a look.

Not a nice look either(I'm sure you've been there before).

There were two reasons I gave her that look...

1) She was suppose to be on MY SIDE, not the side of the mechanic.

2) What she said made absolute sense and her logical response was right.

(*raise your hand if one, or both, of these have applied to you)

Often parents want to be right....ALL THE TIME.

Listen up parents....no matter your age, 27, 57, 77....sometimes your kids know what they are talking about.

LISTEN TO THEM ONCE IN A WHILE.

Don't get mad at them for being right or having a different opinion than yours. Yes, as parents we can advise our children, but we also need to allow them the opportunity for independence and they can't do that if we are ALWAYS telling them what to do.

Don't go running around telling your best friend, or the lady at the supermarket, or your doctor how "I told her she should date Steven, but she chose to date Kevin and he's not good for her."

Maybe he's not.

But she isn't going to realize the good guy, if she never dates the one who is a giant tool. If she is only doing things to please you, she will never learn to please herself once in a while and know what it is that SHE wants or needs in her life and will be sorely disappointed as she grows older or will look to please someone else at the cost of her own self-worth and self-esteem and you don't want that either do you?

We want to protect our kids. But the thing is there is this fine line between protecting and smothering.

If you smother, you suck the life out of whatever trusting relationship you could have had, if you don't set boundaries and give some much-needed advice once in a while your kids will think they rule the roost and everyone must bow to their every whim and give them whatever they want no matter what the cost.

Balance.

Don't hover....gently guide. 

Like a swan.

Clearly tell them the obvious...don't drink and drive don't do drugs, no sex before marriage, be kind to others, love your neighbor, worship God not material things.

My daughter and I use to be like Rory and Lorelai in Gilmore Girls. 

We would joke about it and some friends of mine from work saw it too.

We had the same sense of humor, did the same stupid silly things, we hung around a lot with each other. She confided in me. I always told her she could come to me about ANYTHING...and she did. We were each other's best friend.

Then something happened.

We became more distant.  She stopped telling me things. Stopped listening(Blog...not blocks silly girl LOLL..that's an inside joke)She started hanging out more in her room and less with me. She didn't get my jokes anymore. 

We went out just yesterday shopping and it was fun. 

But as she sat on the floor in the Psychology section of Barnes and Noble reading the little blurb on the back of a book titled "The Man Who Thought His Wife Was a Hat", it was in that moment I realized she isn't the same little girl anymore.

She is slowly growing up and I took a photo because these moments with her and I aren't as frequent as they use to be and sooner or later they may stop altogether for a little while.

Her beliefs are changing too. 

It's scary.

I want to make her see how good God is, how being a Republican is right, how you don't need to destroy other people's property to protest and get your point across. 

She has her own opinions. She is forming her own person. 

It scares me.

But at the same time it makes me proud to be her mom. Because she won't ever have anyone tell her what to do without her being informed because she reads and investigates so much and wants to know facts versus what someone told her to be truth.

I once told her she could open a dog rescue and a daycare and that she could use the animals as therapy dogs for abused children or children with special needs. Because people use dogs for that very reason.

Know what she said?

I'll have to Google that.

????
Yeah. She didn't believe it simply because her mom told her it's true. 

She had to Google it.

She is in her room now, door closed, eating her dinner and watching TikTok. I peeked in and asked her if she was talking to someone and she was just staring at me. We don't watch tv much anymore together like we use to...we would marathon watch Gilmore and Big Bang all ...the ...time.

One thing I DO know..... 

She is still my best friend. Many times friends don't see each other for years and years, yet they still find that old connection they use to have, like time never passed.

I also know....

My girl is gonna go places. I know it.  She is going to make it all around the world and do things that I only dreamed of doing. She is going to have trials and tribulations I am sure along the way...bumps in the road so to speak, but she will survive it, because my sweet, sweet girl is strong. She is gonna see the world and all it has to offer and (maybe) one day give me the gift of some beautiful grandkids.

I can't wait to hear the tales of her journeys, her loves and her losses, and I hope we can share them over an ice cold Frappucino with Gilmore Girls playing in the background.

God Provides

 Happy Sunday!

This week has been somewhat of a crazy madness.

But I made it through.

There was a death, a shooting(not related to the death Thank you Jesus), unpaid bill stress, a health scare(that was due to lack of a good lunch instead of what I thought was something else LOL).

I managed to pay all of my bills this pay period. God provided the funds to be able to get my car payment in. I didn't ask anyone for money, yet the money was there. 

I said it before and I will say it forever...GOD PROVIDES.

"...and my God will supply all your needs according to the riches in glory in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:19

The verses prior to this verse say "Be anxious for nothing". 

NOTHING.

Don't sweat it folks.

God's got this. He knew about this problem way before you did. He already had a solution and a plan worked out wayyyyy before you were a speck in your mother's womb.

As long as we, as believers(and even a non-believer who turns to Him) worship Him, and Serve Him, and turn to His word and continue a relationship with Him, He will provide for us.

In Matthew 6:25-26 Jesus says, "Therefore I say unto you do not worry about your life, what you eat  or what you will drink; nor your body what you will wear. Is life not more than what you eat and your body more than just what you wear?  Look at the birds of the air for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet their Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more value than they?"

He continues in Matthew to say, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about it's own things."

He even provides to the non-believer, because yes, they are His children too. But He can provide so much more if they just follow His word. 

It's like the rebellious teenager who goes out one night and gets drunk. Surely, you will still provide that child's needs; food, clothing, shelter. However, drunkenness may lead to consequences such as losing one's driving privileges, or a strict curfew or grounding of some sort  or worse...jailtime, for the teen.   

The unbeliever is like that rebellious teen. 

God still loves him or her and yet He must have consequences for those individuals who choose to continually seek comfort and security in those things that are no good for them; drugs, alcohol, sex, infidelity and the list goes on. God has to have consequences for those individuals, and sometimes their loved ones suffer for their sins as well. 

I can speak of this first-hand. 

I made some poor poor choices in my lifetime. Some that have affected my children and I cried many nights in the past over that. 

However.....

God forgave and forgot all those past sins and poor choices,  unfortunately,  some of my loved ones have not.  

It hurts.

But I cannot let their lack of forgiveness come between my relationship with God and His plan for my life.

I pray for them. I pray for our relationships to be restored. I pray that we can laugh, cry and even pray together some day.  Until then, I wait...on God's timing....to heal their heart. They have to come to God before anything else. Our relationship is secondary to their salvation. Secondary to them knowing Jesus and just how truly awesome a relationship with Him really is.

My tears have now been turned into teaching. Teaching others who are on the same path I was or who I may see travelling that path and showing them how the Word of God can save them from the literal hell I was headed for and how my life spiraled out of control. 

God Saved ME. 
He felt that little ol' me was worth hanging onto and loving unconditionally. I never knew that kind of love before.

When I bravely walked to the front of the church for that altar call on June 23, 2014....my life changed. It wasn't perfect by any means. I still messed up, but over time as my spiritual maturity increased and my worldly needs decreased and I focused completely and solely on Jesus Christ I have noticed my needs are less worldly and more on the needy. Them vs. me mentality. Help them first then me. Show compassion not judgment, don't gossip, love more. 

Enjoy what God has given me; healthy body, healthy children, food, clothing, shelter, wonderful job, a car that runs(although it has been skittish lately, but I know He will provide if it conks out on me) and amazing group of church sisters and a church family I would never give up. 

I have never felt so alive.  I have never, ever in my life had such a sense of peace. 

Even on my worst days, when my world has crumbled and I cry out to God and say "Lord, I know you are there, even though you know this doubt in my heart is from the enemy I KNOW you are there Lord. Help me to get through this please God."  I still KNOW HE IS ALIVE AND HE IS MY PROTECTOR AND PROVIDER.

I am not talking about finances here folks. Yes, God can and does provide that....but He provides us peace well beyond what man can ever give us; likewise and much much more important HE provides a place in Heaven a crown and streets of Gold for us to praise Him in eternity.

If you are still reading this and you are not a believer, message me (on the right over there ------>>> 😉 ) if you have any questions and I will get back to you. 

No pressure.

Tell me a little about yourself; married, not, kids, no kids, pets....favorite flavor of ice cream....whatever you want to share. 

And ask away!

God is Good!

Have a great week folks!

A Boat Without A Paddle and Some Holes Will Eventually Float

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it may depart from me.  And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will most gladly boast of my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake,  that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

This is going to be a heavy post.

Not drama, just heavy.

Like, heavy whipping cream heavy, not heavy bricks. It's not THAT bad, but it's not that great either. And blogging is my therapy, so anyone who is still reading this to the end, you will notice I use humor despite my current circumstances to get through all this. 

That being said:

I'm struggling here folks. 

The silver lining is that I have been here before, many times as a matter of fact in my past, and God has always been faithful.

He gave me this scripture this morning as I sat here and balled my eyes out over my current situation:

"But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." - Philipians 4:19

This does not mean He will make me instantly rich. 

God is NOT a genie!

He supplies our needs. This is not to be confused with our wants. Our wants are Taco Bell on a Tuesday night, or a movie or an Iphone. Our wants are a tub of ice cream at the store when we NEED milk or bread. 

Being a Christian means you believe, in God's timing, all things are going to work out. This is what faith is. This is what I hold onto in times like this. 

Let me tell you what's going on. A lot of us, thanks to stupid Covid and the stupid politics of this madness (which this is not a political blog, so I'm just going to move on)some of us have suffered, some more severely than others, and it's sketchy as to which bill is getting paid this month or if we can pay any bill at all. Because I have always always been responsible paying my bills. But this past month I had an unwelcome surprise at payday due to this whole Covid craziness and it eventually snowballed into September's bills.

Now here I sit, writing this blog.  Because I know I am NOT the only one in this little pickle of a financial mess.  I also signed up for Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University Plus", thank you Jesus for gifts like this one. The whole package is free.

I have been blessed with a job that paid me during quarantine while we did online training. While thousands struggled with no income, I was blessed.  I am still blessed because I am still employed at that same job. A job I prayed for before I got it. That will be a blog of it's own someday, because that IS an amazing story. I love this job, but due to current circumstances I am now forced to find secondary employment through the holidays until things return to normal in society.

If normal even exists in this world anymore.

Back to the game though. I tend to go off on tangent thoughts from time to time, bear with me please. Try to keep up okay?(Insert cheesy grin here)

About that bill paying game, it's a game for those of  us struggling emotionally, physically and most importantly...the big one folks...financially. Most of these categories of struggles lead to the biggest one....spiritual struggles.

I call this game of bill paying, "Who Gets It?"

Sounds like a parenting game where someone broke a dish and the kids sit silently with deer-in-the-headlight stares at one another wondering about who's bottom is getting spanked for breaking one of Mother's Christmas dishes. 

No. 

That's not my game.

My game involves monthly bills, and who gets my hard earned dollars this month. 

Hence, the title, Who Gets It?

This month's winners are(in no particular order, because ALL are important):

1. Rent

2. Electric

3. Gas

4. Cell Phone

Which actually cell phone should just lose and I'll give some of it to car payment, because I have nothing left to give to car payment and cell phone needs to be replaced because when I charge it I have a charge of 92% when it says "battery fully charged" and I only have a full charge for, oh, about an hour and a half before it's back at 50%.

Cell phone is 5 years old folks. 

That's like 110 in human years. It should be exhibited at the Smithsonian Museum next to Blockbuster Video Cards and 8 tracks.

So here I sit wondering where I'm going to find the funds to pay car payment, and thank God student loan is on hiatus until December thanks to our President because I am already in a boat with no paddles and tons of holes.

Can you relate?

I wish someone would comment on my blogs.  I would love to encourage someone else in this boat with no paddles and holes in it.  

This is going to get better.  This, for whomever is reading this and is in the same boat, is just a season I am in. It's just a season for you, too.

See, I'm the type of person who takes my own advice. 

I won't lie, I never use to be.  But the more I study my bible and the more I realize that worry does nothing but give you acne and sleepless nights and serves no greater purpose I can say with 100% conviction that God will get me through this. Because I rely on God and His Word and His mercy and grace and His timing when things get crazy, I KNOW without a doubt I will be okay.

I've applied for secondary jobs and put out feelers for babysitting as well just to get us through the holiday season.

Despite the fact I use words like "stupid"(see above when I mention Covid...I didn't simply call it Covid, I don't even like talking about it because that's what it is...stupid.) and even though I get angry or sad or cry, that does not make me less of a Christian. 

I am not Mary Poppins.

I'm a Christian. 

Christians cry. I am a human, therefore I cry.

It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I have no faith when I cry, it simply means I am human and as a human I  have emotions. If I were to pretend that everything is fine and don't cry or don't get angry....I am merely fooling myself and eventually it will make me physically and spiritually ill. 

No thank you! Ulcers and getting angry at God for my circumstances and all that depression I can do with out. Not me satan! I'm a child of God!

Just so you know, it's important to talk about our feelings. It's important to turn to God first and foremost and ask for His guidance. It's important to turn to our church family for encouragement and a listening ear, and if we still can't get it together and we find ourselves swirling down that deep, dark, hole of depression, sometimes we may eventually need professional help.

And that's okay too.

I'm not at that point. 

I've been there, and I know the signs, but I've been hanging onto God and I have some amazing sisters-in-Christ who are here for me and likewise I am ALWAYS there for them.

Mental Health has always had this stigma attached to it.

I honestly don't know why people are ashamed to see a therapist.

My therapists were the best. I had three. Third one was a gift from God 9 years ago.

I will never forget her. 

Carmen.

I am forever grateful for her. Between God and Carmen my ducks eventually lined up in a row and sang.

It was an amazing feeling.

Prior to that, I was a hot mess.

I shouldn't be here, by the grace of God I am though.

I will share that story another day, because my mess will be a message for someone who is in a hot mess like mine was and needs to know that even when you run from God, He brings you back to Him eventually. And even in your deepest, darkest moments when you want to die, He won't let you, and won't let go of you either.

 I feel like my days lately look and feel like this photo.

A little ominous and eerie, but nothing to worry about really.

See, here's the deal, when your ducks are all scattered and your boat is stuck in a storm floating at sea in all the lightning and thunder, just remember the disciples in the boat(Matthew 8:24-26) during the storm while Jesus slept.

Suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea so the boat was covered with the waves.  But He was asleep. And His disciples came to Him and awoke Him saying, "Lord, save us! We are perishing! Jesus said, "Why are you so fearful,  Oh you of little faith?"

Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm.

Jesus is there.

Even if you don't think He is, or believe that He is, I can tell you He truly is.

He will patch the holes and give you oars that will take you further than you ever imagined.

Talk to Him.

He's listening.

Read His Word.

He's speaking.

Do you hear Him?

The wind, the sound of the birds in the air, that still small voice in your head; He's there.

Listen.

I feel better already.

The bills are still there, the money isn't.

But I know that He will provide.

So I'll just wait, pray and listen.

It'll be okay.  

Because without any storms there would be no rainbows.