A Boat Without A Paddle and Some Holes Will Eventually Float

Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it may depart from me.  And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will most gladly boast of my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake,  that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

This is going to be a heavy post.

Not drama, just heavy.

Like, heavy whipping cream heavy, not heavy bricks. It's not THAT bad, but it's not that great either. And blogging is my therapy, so anyone who is still reading this to the end, you will notice I use humor despite my current circumstances to get through all this. 

That being said:

I'm struggling here folks. 

The silver lining is that I have been here before, many times as a matter of fact in my past, and God has always been faithful.

He gave me this scripture this morning as I sat here and balled my eyes out over my current situation:

"But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." - Philipians 4:19

This does not mean He will make me instantly rich. 

God is NOT a genie!

He supplies our needs. This is not to be confused with our wants. Our wants are Taco Bell on a Tuesday night, or a movie or an Iphone. Our wants are a tub of ice cream at the store when we NEED milk or bread. 

Being a Christian means you believe, in God's timing, all things are going to work out. This is what faith is. This is what I hold onto in times like this. 

Let me tell you what's going on. A lot of us, thanks to stupid Covid and the stupid politics of this madness (which this is not a political blog, so I'm just going to move on)some of us have suffered, some more severely than others, and it's sketchy as to which bill is getting paid this month or if we can pay any bill at all. Because I have always always been responsible paying my bills. But this past month I had an unwelcome surprise at payday due to this whole Covid craziness and it eventually snowballed into September's bills.

Now here I sit, writing this blog.  Because I know I am NOT the only one in this little pickle of a financial mess.  I also signed up for Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University Plus", thank you Jesus for gifts like this one. The whole package is free.

I have been blessed with a job that paid me during quarantine while we did online training. While thousands struggled with no income, I was blessed.  I am still blessed because I am still employed at that same job. A job I prayed for before I got it. That will be a blog of it's own someday, because that IS an amazing story. I love this job, but due to current circumstances I am now forced to find secondary employment through the holidays until things return to normal in society.

If normal even exists in this world anymore.

Back to the game though. I tend to go off on tangent thoughts from time to time, bear with me please. Try to keep up okay?(Insert cheesy grin here)

About that bill paying game, it's a game for those of  us struggling emotionally, physically and most importantly...the big one folks...financially. Most of these categories of struggles lead to the biggest one....spiritual struggles.

I call this game of bill paying, "Who Gets It?"

Sounds like a parenting game where someone broke a dish and the kids sit silently with deer-in-the-headlight stares at one another wondering about who's bottom is getting spanked for breaking one of Mother's Christmas dishes. 

No. 

That's not my game.

My game involves monthly bills, and who gets my hard earned dollars this month. 

Hence, the title, Who Gets It?

This month's winners are(in no particular order, because ALL are important):

1. Rent

2. Electric

3. Gas

4. Cell Phone

Which actually cell phone should just lose and I'll give some of it to car payment, because I have nothing left to give to car payment and cell phone needs to be replaced because when I charge it I have a charge of 92% when it says "battery fully charged" and I only have a full charge for, oh, about an hour and a half before it's back at 50%.

Cell phone is 5 years old folks. 

That's like 110 in human years. It should be exhibited at the Smithsonian Museum next to Blockbuster Video Cards and 8 tracks.

So here I sit wondering where I'm going to find the funds to pay car payment, and thank God student loan is on hiatus until December thanks to our President because I am already in a boat with no paddles and tons of holes.

Can you relate?

I wish someone would comment on my blogs.  I would love to encourage someone else in this boat with no paddles and holes in it.  

This is going to get better.  This, for whomever is reading this and is in the same boat, is just a season I am in. It's just a season for you, too.

See, I'm the type of person who takes my own advice. 

I won't lie, I never use to be.  But the more I study my bible and the more I realize that worry does nothing but give you acne and sleepless nights and serves no greater purpose I can say with 100% conviction that God will get me through this. Because I rely on God and His Word and His mercy and grace and His timing when things get crazy, I KNOW without a doubt I will be okay.

I've applied for secondary jobs and put out feelers for babysitting as well just to get us through the holiday season.

Despite the fact I use words like "stupid"(see above when I mention Covid...I didn't simply call it Covid, I don't even like talking about it because that's what it is...stupid.) and even though I get angry or sad or cry, that does not make me less of a Christian. 

I am not Mary Poppins.

I'm a Christian. 

Christians cry. I am a human, therefore I cry.

It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I have no faith when I cry, it simply means I am human and as a human I  have emotions. If I were to pretend that everything is fine and don't cry or don't get angry....I am merely fooling myself and eventually it will make me physically and spiritually ill. 

No thank you! Ulcers and getting angry at God for my circumstances and all that depression I can do with out. Not me satan! I'm a child of God!

Just so you know, it's important to talk about our feelings. It's important to turn to God first and foremost and ask for His guidance. It's important to turn to our church family for encouragement and a listening ear, and if we still can't get it together and we find ourselves swirling down that deep, dark, hole of depression, sometimes we may eventually need professional help.

And that's okay too.

I'm not at that point. 

I've been there, and I know the signs, but I've been hanging onto God and I have some amazing sisters-in-Christ who are here for me and likewise I am ALWAYS there for them.

Mental Health has always had this stigma attached to it.

I honestly don't know why people are ashamed to see a therapist.

My therapists were the best. I had three. Third one was a gift from God 9 years ago.

I will never forget her. 

Carmen.

I am forever grateful for her. Between God and Carmen my ducks eventually lined up in a row and sang.

It was an amazing feeling.

Prior to that, I was a hot mess.

I shouldn't be here, by the grace of God I am though.

I will share that story another day, because my mess will be a message for someone who is in a hot mess like mine was and needs to know that even when you run from God, He brings you back to Him eventually. And even in your deepest, darkest moments when you want to die, He won't let you, and won't let go of you either.

 I feel like my days lately look and feel like this photo.

A little ominous and eerie, but nothing to worry about really.

See, here's the deal, when your ducks are all scattered and your boat is stuck in a storm floating at sea in all the lightning and thunder, just remember the disciples in the boat(Matthew 8:24-26) during the storm while Jesus slept.

Suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea so the boat was covered with the waves.  But He was asleep. And His disciples came to Him and awoke Him saying, "Lord, save us! We are perishing! Jesus said, "Why are you so fearful,  Oh you of little faith?"

Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm.

Jesus is there.

Even if you don't think He is, or believe that He is, I can tell you He truly is.

He will patch the holes and give you oars that will take you further than you ever imagined.

Talk to Him.

He's listening.

Read His Word.

He's speaking.

Do you hear Him?

The wind, the sound of the birds in the air, that still small voice in your head; He's there.

Listen.

I feel better already.

The bills are still there, the money isn't.

But I know that He will provide.

So I'll just wait, pray and listen.

It'll be okay.  

Because without any storms there would be no rainbows.

 

Be the Light

Make  me a channel of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love

Where there is injury, Your pardon Lord

And where there's doubt, true faith in You.

Make me a channel of Your peace

Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope

Where there is darkness, only light

And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Oh Master, grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of Your peace

It is pardoning that we are pardoned

In giving to all men that we receive

And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Today was a lazy day for me.

I woke up, played some Words With Friends with my mom back in the Hoosier state, then I made some Cabbage Soup and then ate two bowls of the above-mentioned Cabbage Soup while watching some Hulu and chatting with a friend via text. 

After I ate the soup and cleaned my mess I decided to hop on the internet and then my son called me from Texas. 

I love him.

I miss him.

And I know we will see each other again, because God loves the both of us.

But that's a story for another day.  

Not a bad story either, just a story.

You are probably wondering why the words to The Prayer of St. Francis is on the very top of my blog here. I'm not Catholic, so I don't pray to Saints, but I'm also not into Football, yet I do watch the Superbowl, not just for the ads, but I always root for the underdog because I enjoy it. 

There's a reason I posted that song(and the video below), it was going through my head non-stop for some reason while I was cleaning up the mess from the cake I made this afternoon. 

I haven't heard that song since I was in the choir at my Catholic grade school 30-plus years ago.  But it wouldn't stop going through my head.  All I kept hearing was, "Make me a channel of your peace, where there is hatred let me bring your love, where there is darkness, only light and where there is sadness ever joy."  I could hear the song. Those were the only words I heard. Over, and over and over again.

So I Googled it.

It's a beautiful song.

So many versions out there, I chose this one:

I am not quite sure why this is in my head. 

I am not always going to share things said between friends and I on here, because their thoughts are private, and sometimes it's something that just needs to be between a friend (or friends and I). But I will say, a friend mentioned to me about how we can be a light.

That's all I'll say.

So I wonder if God is saying, "Be a light for me Barb."

Here I am Lord, do with me as you will.

Not my will, but yours.

Now that song "Thy Will be Done" is in my brain.  That's just because I know it well, and heard it earlier.

You know, Moses didn't want to do what God asked him to do. He had a speech problem. Yet, God used him.  Saul killed Christians, and God used him to be a light and spread His message and changed his name to Paul. 

So I sit here and think, why would God want me to be a light? 

It's not just me though people. 

It's all of us.

We are all saints. We are all ministers of God's word. You don't even have to read EVERY book of the Bible. You could read one or two verses. Sometimes you may not even read a verse and The Holy Spirit will guide you and give you the words to speak to others and allow you to give God the glory. 

I know someone who is going through some stuff.

 

I want to help her and I try so hard to be like Jesus, but let me tell you it isn't easy.  She will text me at the most inconvenient times of the day.I'm getting better but to be honest, it's a slow process. I don't complain to anyone, except God above and I ask for strength and grace and forgiveness for being so selfish. 

Because let's be honest, it's being selfish when you don't want to help someone who is suffering no matter the time of day or how you feel.  Someone who is broken needs guidance and comfort.  We are all broken folks; Some of us more than others some days.  But as a Christian, we need to help those who can't help themselves. 

 

Proverbs 12:11 says "He who works his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment."

So we need to help those who help themselves, still show grace and mercy to those who don't help themselves and know when sometimes God tells us to move on and be a light to someone else.

That isn't always easy.

I'm really being transparent here because I am not perfect and I'm trying very hard to be someone who is not insensitive and who shows others the love of Jesus.

As far as this woman goes, I am learning to show grace to her.  I am learning to not sigh deeply when she complains over and over and over about the same topic that is causing her grief. I am learning. It's a process. Because ladies and gentleman, years ago this same woman was me. 

It's true. 

And I lost a lot of friends, or so I thought at the time.  But it's true God takes people away from you to make room for the people He wants in your life.  I have not had friends since 2006. No joke. I just stopped trying to make them because I got tired of people leaving me. I had serious trust and abandonment issues. I talked to people at work but that was it.

It's not easy to be like Jesus. I'm not saying "BE JESUS", but be "LIKE JESUS" to the best of your abilities.

See the difference?

I want to help others.  I want to be that person, when someone feels like all hope is lost and they feel like dying, and may really truly feel like trying, I want to be the one they call at 3 a.m. in the middle of their darkness and show them the light of Christ.  That there is hope. And that this is just a season that they can get through with God's word and strength. ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Phillipians 4:13)

I remember hearing a pastor say during a sermon, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Truth.

I know that being there for someone means being there for them even when it's not a convenience. I have done that for a few people. Likewise I have a whole slew of people who were there for me when I was a single, scared, pregnant 20-year old. I had people there for me when I had to leave my ex and take my kids and start over and find a job and a place to live and it was scary and I was annoying to others some days I know, but there were people who were still there for me. They listened to me on the phone, or online, or in texts.  They drove me around or  loaned me their cars when I needed to get to court or job interviews.

They didn't leave me. 

God put them in my life for that season.

They didn't get tired of me complaining.

I complained about my ex, I complained about my lack of  job, about the kids fighting, about hating this city, about missing home, yet despite ALL THAT, they didn't leave me.

I am going to share something.  *spoiler alert, happy ending here, but not the kind you think*

I was suppose to adopt my grand babies a while ago. I was excited, my daughter rearranged her whole room for them to come.  I bought bunk beds, took classes, ran around getting documents and bought sheets and pillows. 

She was so excited because she always wanted a sister, and even though they were her nieces, it was like she would have two sisters to hang out with, and share stories with IN HER ROOM! Slumber parties, and painting nails and doing hair and heading to the park. I had a list of all the places we were going to visit when they finally made it here; Cactus Garden lights at Christmas Time, Church, Red Rock trails. We rearranged our whole entire life for this big life moment!

Then, one day, a week before I was to fly out to see them and meet with everyone involved in the case, the caseworker texted me these words, "I need to touch base with you regarding the girls."

I had a bad feeling.  

They weren't coming.

I had lost them before I had a chance to see them.  I didn't get to hug them and tell them how much I love them. My daughter didn't even get a chance to finally meet them after talking to them on the phone for many nights and becoming emotionally involved. 

My heart broke into a million pieces. 

How would I tell my daughter??

This wasn't fair God! WHY??

I cried for days.

I couldn't eat.

Barely slept. 

Cried some more. 

My daughter just said, "I just had a feeling they wouldn't come," all melancholy and dry.

Talk about being at the end of your rope. I had no rope, I had no hope, I was numb.

I was angry at God and for 5 weeks I didn't go to church. 

Then we had a situation at our church that caused us to leave it permanently. And I just felt betrayed by people I trusted and most importantly betrayed by God.  

I was bitter and angry.

Not a great place to be by any means.

Truth be told, all this was a blessing in disguise.

During the month of March I was severely ill. Really bad, I am not being dramatic here. It wasn't covid, but it was something my doctor couldn't figure it out. I was on five different meds, had a chest x-ray and it took six weeks for it to get out of my body.  I scared my daughter twice waking up and I couldn't breathe(scared myself too) I was choking and couldn't get any air.

I kept thinking after the fact, "If the girls were here, how would I have taken care of them?" I barely made it taking care of my daughter, and she is a lot more self-sufficient than an 8 and 13 year old. Yes, I have taken care of my children when I have had the flu or allergies or 2 hours of sleep, but they have been with me all their life. I think this might have been a bit traumatic for for the girls. 

God hung onto me that whole time.

He helped me make peace with me losing them. He helped me make peace with those who hurt my daughter and I.  I found forgiveness and comfort and most importantly...Peace.

He stirred my heart and I began looking for other churches.

Before I knew it, I found my home church where I have been since January 12th.

They are my family now.

I am in a small women's group for Bible Study. I have an actual circle of friends.  I have real, true friends who are my family. We are all there for one another and pray with one another.

And I love them all. 

My daughter loved the youth group.

Will we ever see the girls? Only God knows. 

I get to see them online in photos and we chat once a month maybe twice. Time zones stink sometimes. 

They are happy.

So now I'm happy they are happy. 

God healed me.

And if it wasn't for God and my work family I don't know what I'd of done.

But they listened to me. They let me cry. They let me get angry. They let me heal.

And God was there the whole time. 

He was putting people in my path to get me through one of many of the worst storms in my life. I've had others, and He brought me through those too.

So if those individuals can get me through all the yuck I had in my life, surely I can be there to get another person, or two or ten or 100 through their yuck part of life, right?

Be the light folks.

God isn't asking us to part a sea, or build an ark or build an army. He just wants us to spread his word and show the love of Christ to others.

I have to go and share a cake with someone now and see how they are doing. 

Have a blessed week.

What's Inside?

This was our sky on Labor Day.

This was crazy creepy. My daughter and I couldn't believe our eyes. We drove around looking for random photos to take. This was one of them.  The mountains here in the Vegas valley, pretty much disappeared that day.

This photo of the sun doesn't do it justice. It was truly a blood red color. This looks like an orange-red color.  My daughter and I whipped out our phones and just started snapping pictures.  Then she began chasing a dragonfly that was on the parking lot asphalt and trying to get a video of it.  I was waiting for the poor kid to trip on the curb, but she didn't.

The sky is like this because of all the fires in the state of California. You know, we saw the sky and all the "coolness" of how it looked. My daughter said when we walked out the door, "Mom! Look! It's yellow out here on the ground!" There was indeed a yellow-orange hue on the ground and all around us. 

It was eerie.

But what we didn't realize, was amid that smoke that traveled thousands of miles from California was that the fire that caused that smoke took the lives of many people, it took the homes of thousands, inside that smoke...was the tears of hundreds.  The sadness of those who lost pets, family members and their own shelter it was gone *snap* like that, all in the blink of an eye.

We take in the eerie beauty of all this, but what we don't see is what's on the inside of that smoke. What the story is and how it came to be. 

 

I snapped this pic on 9/11.  Nothing related to "9/11" it's just the date of the photo. Of course maybe there is somewhat of an essence of THE "9/11" in this photo. It's dismal, and sad and there's a plane in the sky and it looks sad.  I took it and reminded people to give thanks for another beautiful day.

Do you ever wonder who is on a plane that flies overhead? 

Where are they going?  

A wedding? A funeral? A conference meeting? Are they visiting a dying relative? Are they going on vacation? Are there kicking screaming babies on board? Is there an unaccompanied minor sitting in one of those seats anxious to see his/her mom or dad on the other side of the continent? Is there a single mom flying with her two children, playing UNO with her daughter while she tries incessantly to calm her fussy baby as he sits on her lap? Is there a flight attendant trying to calm the fears of a first time flyer as turbulence arises? Is there a belligerent passenger who refuses to place his seat belt on because he has had too much to drink? 

So many people, going so many places doing so many things.

All we see down here is a plane, in the sky, flying.

What's inside that plane is something else.

This reminds me of the Bible. 

On one person's night stand it's just a book. It's collecting dust. The pages are all still crisp, but the person who owns it has no clue really what's inside it. They see it there, but are oblivious to the whole of that book and the goings on inside that book and how that book can totally transform their life. They may believe God exists, they may even visit that building they call "church" to check a box each week so they can show every one that they are a believer.  

So they can convince themselves they are a believer.

But are they?

If they only think what a man behind a microphone is telling them is truth, and that man is only sharing snippets of what's in that Book how can that person know, FOR SURE, that what they are hearing is truth unless they open that book and see what's inside for themselves?  I'm not judging anyone here, who doesn't or does open their Bibles I am just merely observing. 

This is an observation.

Like the planes we see. What's going on inside?

Then you have another person who does read their Bible. It sits on the night stand, but it's pages are crinkled, some may be dog-eared, torn or highlighted in various colors. Notes in pen in the margins and random notes stuffed on church outlines nestled in the pages of Matthew or Ruth. I have 3 Bibles, the cover fell off of one of them along with several of the concordance pages.

Charles Spurgeon once said, "A bible that's falling apart, usually belongs to a person who isn't."

You know reading the Bible doesn't make all your problems disappear. It doesn't make the alcoholic stop drinking, or the husband stop cheating, or the cancer go away. What I can tell you with absolute truth is, that by reading the bible it makes you closer to God.

You see what's inside those pages.

You hear God speak to you in ways He's never spoken before.

You find God and His peace inside those pages that far outweighs the peace you will find in material things, your bank account or another human being. In John 14:27 Jesus says this, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you; I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled, do not be afraid".

Inside those pages is truth.

Inside those pages is the answer to your prayers. 

You read Psalm 91 and you realize that "Under His wings you will find refuge" when your car breaks down in the middle of the street. He will protect you, He will provide for you and He will make a way where you thought there wasn't one.

So take a look inside.  

Go ahead and peek.

I promise you, you won't be disappointed.   

"...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:27

Making Time

It's been quite a week.

I am rounding out week three of work. The students are slowly rolling into the routines in their new surroundings(as am I) and I find my days to be quite busy and fast-paced and they go so quickly, but the weeks seem to drag on.

Weird, right?

So I started a new bible study at church. Well, I didn't start it, but rather our Senior Pastor did. I'm so jazzed about this study. Growing up I never thought in a million years I would be so stoked to go to church.  The Bible is awesome. I mean it, it really is.

I have read so many books, some two or three times each(i.e. Ruth, Esther, Ephesians, Daniel, Phillipians, Galatians,  1,2 and 3rd books of John, and I've read Jude).  I read Job all the way through, and Leviticus was a nail-biter for me as I couldn't really grasp the whole concept of Leviticus. I may have to reread that one again. All I retained from reading that book was there were grain offerings, sin offerings, peace offerings and others like it; some with pigeons, some with goats, or doves and something about leaving blood at the altar. I am not making light of this book, I am just letting you know, I love reading the Bible but I don't always get what I'm reading. 

Does that mean I stop reading it? 

Nope.

I think that maybe God wants me reading other things right now. Or perhaps He wants me totally focused on what I am reading in this study. It's going to be a long one.

I don't mind. 

Some people complain when church lasts more than 30 minutes, or 45 minutes or it goes into an hour. I sit(and stand for worship on Saturday/Sundays) in church for 1  1/2 hours for bible study, and most days I don't want to leave(unless I am not feeling well). I could sit and listen to God's word being preached ALL....DAY.....LONG.  I take notes and highlight verses in my Bible, and mark notes in my notebook, and I focus on what the Pastor is saying.  I really, really listen.

Sometimes I reread my notes later. After my notebooks are full, they go under my bed or table(or in my closet) and then on a whim, weeks or months or years later I pull out those notebooks and God will speak to me in those notes I took days or week or months or years earlier when I take them out to read.

It's so amazing to me how notes I took just a year ago, may have a profound affect on me during a certain crisis or decision I am making in the moment and I will go to a certain passage that was highlighted in a past message only to find encouragement or a solution to a problem I am facing.

God is Good.! 

I hope that you are enjoying your week.

I don't know if anyone is actually enjoying my posts. 

I do hope though, that if you have visited you will take a moment and leave me a comment that lets me know you were here,

I'm still finding my voice here. So bear with me. I'm also trying to figure out how to edit my about me page and where in the world it went to.

This will eventually come together.

I have faith it will.

It's 8:30 and I'm tired. Good night for now. 

I will see you all tomorrow.