The Strength of our Seasons

 

I just packed away my tree and all my decorations. I am in the midst of cleaning my apartment. I have to say, I am quite impressed with myself here. I got up at 4:30. I played a few rounds of Words with Friends with my momma. Of course I beat her. I was the regional spelling bee champ of my hometown in 6th grade. 

Words are my friends.

I blog for cryin' out loud, of course words are going to be my friends. 😏

However, the words this morning that were spewing out of my mouth were not.so.friendly. 🤭

This was a rough morning. I said a swear this morning. Rarely, if ever, do I swear. And like a wonderful person I know and love, if you hear a word come from my mouth that isn't appropriate I have probably reached the depths of my emotional capacity of patience for the day. 

And my day had just begun.

Keeping it real here. I am being transparent, because we all know being a Christian does not make one "holier than thou" and I am definitely far from being holier than all of you out there who grace my blog(and I thank you) 

So as the queen mother of words escaped my mouth when the vacuum sucked up those stupid clear ties they put on toys, (which by the way, I have no idea where it came from because none of us had any toys here with clear ties on them) and it made that annoying buzzing sound that makes you think you just sucked up a swarm of bees, I shut off and slammed the vacuum on the floor in an attempt to dislodge said clear tie, and I am happy to report after several good slams it came out. 

I plugged the vacuum back in and continued with my vacuuming, listening to my country music on the t.v. trying to keep my wits about me when the stupid buzzing bees came back...this time a twisted paperclip was the culprit. 

Nothing was going right, except my win against my mom this morning, everything else was downhill after that. 

I stepped on an ornament and heard the crunch under my bare foot. I also stepped on the little "hat" that goes atop the ornament to place the ornament hanger, not fun...at all.

I pulled something in my back carrying the boxes to the storage on my patio. 

Then I had a TB Test read I had to do at the drugstore on the corner, so I had to stop what I was doing to go do that.

Still hadn't showered mind you. 

*sigh*

Apologized to the woman doing my TB read(negative by the way, if you were wondering) telling her "I apologize if I should stink because I just took down my tree, and had been sweating profusely trying to get it in the box and into storage along with the five other awkwardly huge boxes of decos and stuff". 

She just giggled at me and said, "You took down your tree? I didn't put one up this year." 

I wonder if I should have done that instead?...nah.

I just went into the kitchen right now for a bottled water and came back with a mini milk chocolate snowman, two Lindor  wrapped candies and a Godiva chocolate. 

I realized I forgot the water when I ate the second piece of candy. 🙄 

*walks back to kitchen for water, walks back to desk while thinking "maybe an ice cold glass of milk would go better with the chocolates??"...yep, walked BACK to the fridge for a glass of milk.

You are probably wondering why I chose the ornament photo for my blog today.

This day of mine is why.

The ornament shouldn't say Jesus is the Reason for the Season, although he definitely IS the ONE TRUE REASON FOR CHRISTMAS...That being said, let me just say that there should be an ornament AND a bumper sticker that says "Jesus is the Reason We Make It Through Our Seasons". 

Did you read that?

When we are happy, even in the midst of chaos. Scripture tells us "Do not sorrow for The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength!" -Nehemiah 8:10

When we are sad, He is there in that season, pushing us through by His strength and not that of our own doing, holding our hands, hearts and minds. When we are going for a health test and we are scared, or we are getting married or having a baby, or our first child is leaving the nest(or the last one is leaving) HE is there. 

Whatever season it is, Jesus is the reason we made it through that season.

This morning,  a short season that felt like an eternity to me in the moment has passed, and my blood pressure and my vocabulary are much better now.

As I took the tree down and realized tomorrow is a new year, I cried. This year, the year of my worst day, is ending. I have to let go, give my grief and my worst day to God.

I looked at "Daddy's Lantern" and cried some hard tears. 

Then I let him go. 

I'm sure there will be days of firsts yet to come since my worst day happened, First Wedding anniversary He is in Heaven and not with mom, First Father's Day he's in Heaven, first Birthday of his in Heaven and I WILL cry. But letting him go, let's me know that whatever feelings I feel on those first days, won't be so bad. 

He's with Jesus and so am I, or rather Jesus is with me.

He's got me.

I probably won't write about my daddy for a little while. Doesn't mean I have forgotten him, I will have his memories and photos and lantern out all year long. Letting go means letting go. 

Doesn't mean forgetting, it means trusting God to help you through the emotional storm when you DO remember and feelings slam you out of nowhere.

My advice, what I have learned through all of this, is no matter what season you are facing, know that it's temporary, it's okay to be angry, sad, hurt, happy or exceedingly joyful, whatever it is, give thanks to Jesus for getting you to it or getting you through it.

Daddy's Lantern

Waiting in the Terminal to Heaven

"I just need a hug", I cried out to God last night. "I really need a hug right now, God," I said.

There comes a time in our lives when we all just need a hug.

Whether it's due to a win in a championship game, or the birth of a child, the broken heart of a teenage love gone away, or the passing of a loved one, sometimes you just need a big, warm, solid hug.

I am working on healing this holiday season.

It's been two months since my father went to be in the arms of Jesus. He is so lucky. He gets to live in Heaven now, pain free, and worry-free. My daddy always worried about something; my son coming home from work safe in a storm, the sump pump going off at a certain time, or driving alone to church just five blocks down the street.

He had many pains and many meds he was on when he was still with us.

He was suffering and God said, "Fred, you were a good and faithful servant, it's time for you to come home to me."

And He took him home.

Oh, I am sure that he is ever so grateful the Lord took him home.  Although most of us still here on this earthly plain still cry tears of sadness and sometimes tears of anger, and sometimes cry at the most unexpected moments, we KNOW(at least I do anyway) that he is in Heaven with HIS daddy and HIS mamma and singing songs of praise to the MOST HIGH GOD with the angels. 

There has to be some comfort in that ya know.

But some days it isn't quite that easy to remember; or we just want to cry because our fleshly selves know our loved ones are gone, and we don't know when the time will come when we will see them again in Heaven. We want them here, NOW, because we miss them, and there were things left unsaid, and memories and moments still left to be had. 

I took photos and posted said photos on my Facebook. Because to me those aren't photos of my dad "on his deathbed", but rather the last photos of he and I and my daughter and him while he is waiting at the terminal to Heaven.

Biblical Perspective.

That's what I am saying here. 

We are all in the terminal to Heaven. 

Some people are on standby. Some already have their ticket and KNOW they are going to see Jesus soon and others have no idea that their ticket is already purchased and the flight to Heaven is coming soon. My daughter and I were blessed to be able to fly back home and spend time with my father(and our family) at the terminal, she told me she was so glad she got to take care of him. It gave her peace(and me too) being able to see him and care for him those last few weeks. 

God blessed us with a gift we can never repay to see my daddy.

Although he will be greatly missed by my daughter and I, I am happy that he is no longer in pain and is finally home with the Lord. Does it make me miss him any less?

No.

Does it make me cry any less, or skip all five of the stages of grief by some miracle?

No.

Earth is just our transitional housing folks.

It's not a forever home here.

God brought us here at a certain time, for His purpose and His glory and when that purpose is fulfilled we get to go home. 

To our FOREVER home....IN HEAVEN.

So yes, some days I wish I had someone to hug me in some of those darker moments. 

Missing daddy isn't easy some days. Just yesterday I was making a payment on a loan I took out, and the tears just came out of nowhere and would not stop. God bless Tina, the woman behind that glass partition, she handed me tissues and told me "Just let it go sweetie, it's okay. I just lost my aunt a few months ago, and I lost my dad 21 years ago." With sympathetic eyes while shoving tissues in that silver coin holder between me and that glass partition she let me cry it out. She asked me if I needed a water. God gave me Tina in that moment, a true angel who let me "cry it out" and not hide my feelings, or pretend they weren't there.

I couldn't stop, it just hit me. 

It kept hitting me, like waves in a hurricane against the boulders on the shoreline. There was nothing I could do but stand there and sob. I had to make my payment, I couldn't just run out. 

My sadness and love for my father was all over my face and those tissues in my hand. 

I was a hot mess.

And yes, some days I cry my eyeballs out and can't stop no matter how hard I try to stop the tears from falling. 

I was at church a few weeks ago. And I had just finished having a cry fest in my car, and I was all excited that was done, and I could get to choir practice sans the tears. I wiped my eyes and walked into the lobby of the church.

And then it happened...

"How great thou art, how great thou art, then sings my souuuuul,....", sang the worship team and the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried, they just wouldn't stop. This was my dad's favorite song and the last song I heard for my father in their church that cold, Monday morning of his funeral.

So there I was trying to get to choir practice upstairs as I passed people by sobbing like a child who didn't get a toy they wanted in aisle 4 because mom said no.

I just went with it.

Didn't try to stop it.

Just let the tears fall as fast as they came.

If there is any place to cry like a baby, it's church. 

There is no right way to grieve. 

"It's okay to cry, it's okay to fall apart, you don't have to try to be strong when you are not...", Ryan Stevenson sings those lyrics in his song, When We Fall Apart .

I know so many friends who are dealing with their grief this holiday season. 

This blog is for you too. This blog is letting you know it's alright to cry it out, ugly cry, sobbing on the floor holding photos of your loved one and crying out to God. 

It's OKAY!

Don't hide your feelings. 

That is called repressive coping. It's not healthy to hold in your tears. It can cause physical and mental issues in your body down the road.

Let it out.

Give it to God. 

That's what He says to do in Scripture.

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" -Psalm 147:3

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" -Matthew 5:4

This holiday season, I will light my tree and worship the Lord and hang out with my daughter and remember all the Christmases of the past with my dad. 

Like the time we hid in the closet in the foyer waiting for "Santa" to come and jumping out of the closet trying to catch Santa; not even remotely noticing my poor father out of breath after ringing the bell and running through the hall out the back door, dog barking like crazy and our child-like looks of joy as we saw all the gifts that sat there before us. 

The Christmas where he wrapped all our gifts with tape all over the edges that you couldn't get your fingernail inside the gift seals to open it.

The Christmas where each of us children had 7 digit numbers instead of our names on our presents so we wouldn't shake the gifts before Christmas Eve dinner was over.

That is what I am going to remember, and treasure, this Christmas season.

The love of my father in the wonderful memories he left in my heart.

So as we sit and wait in the terminal to Heaven,  let's cling to God this holiday season. Jesus is the true reason for this season. So let's hang onto Him tightly. 

He will help us to move on. 

He will help us with our wait in the terminal. 

After all He is our pilot. 

And as long as we keep our eyes on Him, we will be able to make it through the terminal of life until He calls us home with Him and our loved ones.

May your holiday be blessed this season and may you find comfort in the arms of our Lord.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year too.