The Memoirs of a Poor Girl Rich in Faith

I am going to open my blog with a little disclaimer. I probably should have said this in my very first post.  Unfortunately, my life is NOT a Disney Princess Movie with "happily ever afters" in it. My life is real, like so many others in this world and this blog is real and therefore sometimes, I may blog about some not so fortunate happenings from time to time and I do my utmost best to include humor in my not so fortunate encounters. 

If you truly understand where I am coming from, please grab a hot coffee, a cup of tea and continue reading about my January adventures. I just want others to know how to make it through the unknown. It isn't always easy. And if you are like me, you know how easy it is to lose your faith in the snap of a finger during not so wonderful life happenings. 

Hang on sister. It will get better. I say that STILL in the middle of my storm. 

With Love and Prayers for you in your spiritual battles,

-Barb❤

Here we go:

The title says it all folks.

Some day I am going to write a book called, "The Memoirs of a Poor Girl Rich in Faith".  It's going to be about how, despite the not so great odds being thrown at me from all directions for most of my life, God seems to pull me through it all.  

Especially every January, it's the same story; and every December God got me through the year somehow.

I have two weeks of unpaid time off between Christmas and the new year. And every year, no matter how hard I try to save, during the course of the year my  car costs me hundreds of dollars to fix it, or I have to buy tires or there is some unexpected medical expense and I'm forced to resort to pay day installment loans to ease my financial burdens.  This year it's killing me. This past year, unfortunately, was different. Instead of my standard two weeks, I had a total of five weeks off, in the last 3 months of the year. 

FIVE!

I just don't get it. 

I buy Ramen.

I use digital and paper coupons, I can't even save in a 401K at work. I can't even afford the 401 let alone the K. 

I buy generic.

I don't go out to eat at lunch. I use to back in the day, when I was first employed at my current job.  That went away just as fast as it came. Eating out is pricey. 

I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I don't party like it's 1999, I basically live paycheck to paycheck. Which has always worked for me, I was never a materialistic, needs to have the latest name brand what-see-who's-it thing-a-ma-bob. I don't care about what the Jones' family owns, nor do I want to keep up with them.

I was suppose to babysit this weekend. Then I got sick, then I called to let them know and obviously they canceled and said "it's okay, we'll try again another time. Feel better Barb."

You know what's even more exciting??! I am NOT, hear me out now, I AM NOT, the only one going through something like this. 

Isn't that insane?

And what is a reality changer for me in all this misery I try so hard not to succumb to, is that there are PEOPLE OUT THERE, IN WORSE PREDICAMENTS THAN ME.

That's right.

Worse than me. So I really, really need to count...my...blessings.

Which to be honest, is hard to do. 

It's easy to count my blessings when things are all hunky dory. When the bills are paid, the kids are listening, the house is clean and the car is running. It's easy to count my blessings when God blesses me, but when the reality of unforeseen burdens come along, whew, my head in particular can get to be a hot mess. And thanking God for the fact that I STILL have a roof over my head and I ate breakfast this morning, I won't lie, it is a little extreme to do for me some days.  I want to be a child of God whose faith is unfailing. Yet somehow doubt creeps in and then I'm mad at myself for not trusting God in that moment that made me act like the human I am. 

That's right, I'm human(translation..."NOT God, NOT like God, not Perfect like God, Prone to doubting and lacking faith on occasion; Okay not to be like God, just needs to remind self that it's okay NOT to be perfect like God and have human emotions occasionally that I don't beat myself up over").

Yesterday was NOT a good day at all for me.

First of all, I had to go and get this card that cost me $95 so I can get my fingerprints done at the police station to keep my job. Then, as I was driving home, I pull into my parking spot, and the goofy picture of the oil can and the word CHANGE in LED lettering comes popping up where my miles use to be on the dash.

Think I am joking? 

Here it is:

 

It's not even due for another 2,200 miles.

Just...great!

I am finishing a conversation with my mom, so I don't want to freak out on the phone, so I don't need to be ranting to her about my woes.  After we hang up, I literally freak out about how I am going to pay for my oil change. I have $94 dollars left to borrow at the installment loan place and I was almost done paying the original loan off. I only have TWO payments left. Now I am adding another $27 to my almost $100/month payment. 

And if THAT wasn't enough, I get to the place and she tells me they erased my bank information she cannot access my account.

Now I am thinking, "What am I going to do? I have to change my oil. My car will overheat. That will be more money I don't have right now to spend to fix it". (Do you see what's happening here? Notice where my thoughts are going.) 

Finally got the bank stuff fixed and I get my $94.

Now I'm on my way home.

I'm balling. 

Bills on the brain and no money to pay them. January is the worst. I hate January. I lost two friends and a bird in the month of January. It's cold and depressing in January. I lose my mind too in the month of January. There is nothing good about the month of January and if it wasn't for Sundays, Wednesdays and Saturday mornings I think I'd have lost my marbles by now. 

At this point my marbles are scattered all over the floor of my head, but by the Grace of God almighty placing the people in my life He has placed, my marbles are just rolling around there but not lost(alright a few may have rolled away in anger and frustration but for the most part my marbles are all there... I think😩).

I won't lie. I hate money. And I hate being poor even more. I am a paycheck to paycheck kinda gal, I always have been and I always will be. It's just my lot in life I suppose. Every year I hope to change that status, but every year is the same. 

Every year I think, "Maybe this will be the year that I will change that, God willing". I am so mad because stinkin' satan is trying to mess with my faith here, and I am trying so hard not to let him. 

I wish we could barter like back in the day of the Quakers. You know, I make you a nice pie, and you fix my car. Okay, maybe two pies and a loaf of bread, or pumpkin cookies to fix my car. 

As I near the Jiffy Lube near my home, I look at the dash board.

Guess what?

That stupid icon was gone and my mileage was back (the icon  actually came back when I went to pick up my daughter at her dad's and take her to work. Imagine that).

I started yelling at my car. 

Then I yelled at the guy in the big white Dodge Ram truck who cut me off in traffic because he didn't know how to drive that big white truck. 

Then I cried some more.

Ever had one of these days? Ever have one of these months? OR years?

Random thoughts started going through my brain by the time I got home.

"I'm going radio silent", I thought. "I am going to disconnect from everyone. I am going to stop going to church and watch online, nobody needs to hear my stupid drama. Nobody cares."

And then I remembered....

A friend of mine reached out to me in a radio silent moment exactly one year ago(yep, in January). Her name is Carrie. And Carrie told me that is satan trying to steal my joy. He gets to us when we are alone and facing obstacles. Like the dirty little smarmy worm he is, he wheedles his way into our brains and lives there and slowly tears us down so that now we are stuck in misery and loneliness and sadness and depression everything the Bible says that is NOT from God. Eventually we blame God for all our misfortunes and eventually stop believing in Him. That's what the enemy wants, for us to turn from God and follow him instead.

NOT TODAY SATAN! NOT EVER!

God is joy, and peace, and love, and security and serenity even in the tumultuous times of our lives. 

But for a brief moment, in anger I might add,  I asked God,"Why is this happening to me? Why are all those people do things that aren't Biblical and who aren't saved why do they get the nice cars that never break down and the fancy clothes and the happy families and the kids who love their parents and never hate them, why do they get all that? I am not mean to people. I don't call them names, or intentionally try to be rude to them. I even love the people who hate me and try to make amends and still NOTHING. I am NOT asking to be RICH. I am NOT asking to be FAMOUS I am simply asking to MAKE ENDS MEET LORD!  Why am I suffering here? Why is this happening to ME?!"

Then Job popped into my head.

Poor little old Job. 

He didn't harm anyone. He didn't ask to lose his livestock, his children and his friends. He didn't ask for sores and boils. 

God took away what mattered most from Job to prove to those around him that God is more powerful than any disaster Job endured. That despite Job's circumstances he NEVER LOST HIS FAITH IN GOD. And because of that faith, God blessed Job in the end of his life beyond measure. 

God healed and blessed Job.

Now, I'm not Job. God may not bless me in the end. He may bless my children, or their children. I may have to ride out this storm or others like it until my last breath. Or God may bless me next month, or next year. I may finally publish that book I so wanted to publish. I may find a financial opportunity that will allow me to save more... or maybe not.

Not everyone in the Bible had a "happily ever after" story. They served God's purpose, not their own agenda, then God took them home. 

Not everyone's life is that of a Disney princess or a well-known Real Life Bible Character in a book which has a happy ending like Ruth or Esther or David or Noah despite their obstacles.

Doesn't mean we still can't enjoy it. 

I'm still trying to find my happy. I'm still trying to find God in this mess. He's there but I don't see Him and I definitely don't feel Him. 

That's what scares me.

And fear, my friend, is NOT of God.

So I am going to cling to His word like never before. 

And HOPE that God answers my prayers. 

And have FAITH that all will work out according to God's will in my life because he promises in Romans 8:28 that "All things work together for HIS good for those who love Him and are called to His purpose".

Sister, keep moving forward.

Keep holding onto the the hem of Jesus's robe. 

It's not always easy to do, but we have to keep our eyes on Jesus and not on the stormy waters that surround us.

It's gonna be okay.

It's going to be O.K.

Do not forsake me Oh Lord, Oh my God, be not far from me. Psalm 38:21