In This Season I Pray

I don't know why, but I am sitting here watching cheesy Christmas movies with bad acting on my TV. They just keep loading so I just keep letting them. 

I am having a really, really rough weekend. We had a 3-day weekend because of Nevada day, and I have to say all this free time gives me all this time to think, and all this time to think gives me all this time to cry and all this time crying just makes me want to sleep.

My apartment is a hot mess.

I just don't want to do anything.

Let me rephrase that, I want my apartment to look like it did six months ago but my desire to do that is not there at the moment, and I hate that even more. I always clean my kitchen because the thought of dirty dishes and stains on the counter annoy me to no end. So 98% of the time, that is done first.

The maintenance guy came in to change my a/c filters out yesterday, and I had just finished making cheddar chicken broccoli soup so you can imagine the smell in here from the broccoli. 😷 I don't think a mask could have hindered the smell, even if you slathered it with Vick's Vapor Rub. I apologized to him for the hot mess my apartment was in, forgetting to apologize about the putrid broccoli smell permeating through my living room and kitchen. He said it was no problem. We chatted briefly and he was so courteous as all these maintenance fellows are in our community and left on his merry way. 

I know this is a season for me. I cried all day Friday and most of the day yesterday and I am not sure how long today. 

How long this season will last is another story.

I am grateful to the wonderful sisterhood I have on Saturdays. We had a party yesterday, and I struggled a bit getting out the door. I forgot my name plate for the contest, I forgot the peanut butter balls and nut cups my daughter and I made(she did the peanut butter balls) and when I went to pull them out at the party they weren't there in my bag, 

I lost it.

I cried, and cried and cried.

Then I went outside to find solace alone to cry it all out and go back in, and no matter where I went there were people; the sweet young men who help clean on Saturdays were taking chairs and trash out; the people still coming in from group to enter the church. I tried to hide behind the church but no luck there either. I was getting mad because I just wanted to cry alone, but God FORCED ME to go back into that building and be with my church family, so that's what I did. And He knew what He was doing that awesome God I love. He sent me a sister to pull me out in the hall and talk to me, and tell me it's okay to cry and this is the place TO cry among our sisters and then, she prayed for me. She took both my hands in hers and prayed for me. The tears just kept coming but she didn't stop praying for me.

This morning I woke up at 7:30, I figured I would make chili for the work Halloween Potluck tomorrow and head to 10:00 service. My stupid head and my tears had other plans. I turned on the water to wash the dishes and the crying and sobbing commenced.  As I was making the chili I realized I forgot to get sauce. So I shut the pot off, and ran down the street to get some sauce. I got sauce, beans, more meat to make chili for home, and I decided to get a small coffee at Dutch Bros, but needed to get gas first.

As I got out of the car, somehow(as my day was going here) I pinched the skin on my finger and it was bleeding like I had just sliced it with a knife. It wouldn't stop. I grabbed tissue after tissue from my console in the car and it just kept coming out like the tears I had cried earlier. I pumped my gas, got back in the car and went to DB.  I showed the manager there my finger and asked for some ice to slow the bleed, and she offered me a Band-aid instead. 

This season is hard.

This season is challenging.

I had a very, very hard time focusing on my Bible study last night at home, and I only read one chapter in 2 Kings.

I suppose that's better than not reading it at all.

God knows my heart, He knows I am struggling.

He knows my pain.

He knows my faith.

My daughter is going to be 18 in a few short weeks. She is spending less time with me, more time with friends and more time at her dad's. This is a hard concept for me. We use to be like Rory and Lorelei on Gilmore Girls, everyone said that. We even binge watched that show so many times that maybe we adopted their personalities. It was fun. We were buddies. She was my bestie. I was hers. Isn't that how the mother daughter relationship is suppose to be? We still "hang out", not as much as we use to, and she will ALWAYS be my bestie, but for now it feels like my bestie has left the building. 

Our dynamic duo changed over time. Quarantine hit, and she spent more time with dad. And eventually they started having more in common, and he was instilling more of his worldly wisdom into my sweet child's heart and mind, and now here we are. She has bonded with him and wants to spend more time with him and less time with me. That hurts. But truth be told, I know she has pieces of me in her and pieces of her daddy. It's only natural that she wants to spend time with him now I suppose.

So of course she is going to go out into the world to figure things out on her own, make mistakes just like I did(but hopefully learn from the consequences much earlier than me). I had her the first 14 years of her life, so I suppose I should not be greedy and just let her go. Right?

If only it were that easy to do.

She is old enough to make her own choices and I have to let her figure out her life on her own. I advise her when she asks me, otherwise I keep my 2 cents to myself. Of all the years for her to turn 18, it had to be this year, not two years from now or four years from now, but THIS PARTICULAR YEAR.. 

I have all these emotions swirling around in my head.

I am waiting on the decision of the teachers/publishers at the summer camp whether or not they will publish my devotional. I am trying to put together this Bible Study Book and if the stupid tears would stop flowing I might be able to finish this in a timely manner. 

🤯 <<----- This is how my brain feels.

😭<<------ This is my emotions, pretty much every day.  Even when I am laughing and having fun with my students or co-workers, in my mind I can see my son's face, or thoughts of when he was younger surface at the most inopportune times (especially when I taught the Letter J the other day, that one was very hard, I always write "John John and Jared" for the list of J words and names), and I have to "keep it together" and not lose it in front of the students. That is God at work in me, because I couldn't do this alone.

And I am glad I don't have to do this alone.

I know I can count on God, number one and number two I can count on my Wednesday night and Saturday Morning Sisters to be there for me. I have my cousin and my son and my daughter when she is here, but for the most part I look to God when my tears come rolling like a river and I just.can't.stop.

I still ask God why and I know I should ask what.

What am I to learn from this season Lord?

What I am I suppose to use from this season Lord?

And, How?

How am I suppose to use this season for your glory Lord?

These aren't easy questions.

God doesn't always give us the answers.

I am grateful He gave me the gift of the written word. It helps me heal. Not overnight obviously, but in the moment I can gather my thoughts, place them on paper(or type them on a blog page or Facebook post) and know that 1) there are others out there, with similar situations who may be able to heal too with the words the Lord gives me to write and 2) I have an instrument to heal my soul and mind and continue God's work as He makes me stronger and healthier every day.

It's a long process.

My prayer has always been Isaiah 6:8;

"And I heard the voice of the Lord say, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here I am Lord, send me!'"

Sometimes we have to go through uncomfortable seasons, so we can minister to others what God needs them to hear through our message of hope during dark, uncomfortable, heavy times. So that they can see how God shined in our weakness, and gave us His strength to bear the burdens we endured.

My next prayer is this:

"Heavenly Father I thank you for the grace and mercy you have shown me. I thank you for your strength in my time of suffering. I thank you also for the support system you have blessed me with and that even when I feel like I will be abandoned, you show up and bless me with loving people and your Word to give me comfort and peace. Let me not ever doubt your love for me or their friendship and love for me either.  It is in your timing not mine, that my heart, mind, and body will heal and I know that I will always find everlasting peace in your arms. 

Watch over my daughter and keep her mind and body safe from harm. Protect her as she goes out into the world and lives the life you have willed for her to live. Help me to quiet my mouth and use my ears to listen to her when she needs me in those times I want to give her my unsolicited motherly advice. Give me discernment and wisdom in those times Lord. Give me peace of mind Lord and give my sweet baby girl direction as she goes out into that world that can often be a scary place to be for a young adult to be. Guide her and show her who you are Lord. Most importantly, help her to remember who you are and where to find you Lord. 

In Jesus mighty name I pray. -Amen.