Breakfast With Jesus

I mentioned to a very dear friend of mine recently how I have changed my devotional time to evenings because my mornings are just too rushed for me. I feel I'm at the drive-thru with Jesus instead of a sit-down full course meal absorbing every verse of every chapter of His Word.

I can't wait for the weather to get a wee-bit more warmer and the days to get longer so I can sit out on my patio with my coffee, Bible, birds and the fresh air. It's happening, just not at the rapid pace I'd like it to happen. 

I am finding I get more time with the Lord in the evenings these days. Because when I can't really soak in His word I find my life to be more crazier than normal. 

Let me explain.

Picture if you will two scenarios.

Scenario One:

Here is Jesus at the drive-thru taking your order, and there is random harsh static and you want to ask him to help you through a problem at work, and you are worried about your mortgage and you also want to ask him for healing of a loved one. 

Still more static.

Jesus is still trying to ask you, "What do you need? How can I help you?" But you are too busy calming little Joey in his car seat because his diaper is wet and you have to get him to daycare to get to work in 20 minutes, you are thinking about dinner and how you are going to get to Ross to get an outfit for the company Christmas party and your 12 year old needs braces and the list of prayer requests are getting longer and longer by the minute. 

Oh, Netflix just premiered that new episode of Sweet Magnolias finally. Can't miss that!

Your long lost friend from 3rd grade is calling...."Hello???"

Jesus is (PATIENTLY, I might add here) waiting for your reply, with a loving smile as He understands your frustration and knows how sometimes life can throw you some nasty curve balls, (because after all dear sister, one time He himself was human too) and He continues waiting for your response. Your phone begins to ring and it's work.  They need that report at 10:00 a.m. instead of noon. 

Jesus is still waiting.

Waiting for you to look to Him. 

Waiting for you to put that phone down. Waiting for you to stop worrying about things out of your control.

Still waiting.

You ask Him for the total of your bill He tells you it's all been paid for.

With a puzzled look upon your face, you drive forward as you apply your lipstick and fix your hair in the rear view mirror. 

You leave the drive-thru without your order.

Your day has turned into a hot, stinkin' mess.

You seem to be more frazzled than normal these days. Everything is just getting under your skin.

You complain a lot too. 

The woman you work with is too loud. 

Your boss is annoying and mean. Why do the neighborhood kids have to be so loud, it's 4 p.m. in the middle of summer. 

Your patience has basically gone out the window.

You aren't very kind to the woman in the car in front of you as you wave a finger around like a magician's wand at her when the light turns green, although it isn't your pointer finger you are waving around. 

Nothing is going right.

(or is it and you just don't see it?)

"God must be mad at me or something. Why is this happening to me?", you scoff as you head into work dropping your coffee on the ground as you attempt to open the door.

Here is Scenario Two:

You pull up at Denny's, turn off the engine, get out of your car and get little Joey out of his car seat. As you are walking up to the Denny's  you see Jesus at the door and He waves at you. He opens the door for you and Joey, and you smile and thank Him for doing so. He asks where you would like to sit and you say "How about a window seat so we can enjoy the view?" 

You place Joey in the high chair and hand him some crayons and some paper you found crumpled in your purse. Jesus is smiling and as you sit down across from one another, He sees that you are worried and asks, "What is going on today, you look as though you have a lot on your mind. How can I help you get through this?"

Well, I have an electric bill due on the fifth of the month and Joey needs to have his shots and I lost my insurance when I started this new job, because the old job was too far and gas is so expensive and I have to find a new sitter by the end of the month because my sitter now is moving to Antarctica, or somewhere like that, and I can't follow her to Antarctica and I have this hole in my sock and my toe is poking through it and it's driving me crazy but I couldn't change my sock because I had to get Joey and I breakfast here this morning because I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping,  and we only have 30 minutes to eat, and I was going to go through the drive-thru but you called me and said you had something important you wanted to share with me over breakfast, so I rushed over as fast as I could. 

Whew...that's a lot to say without taking a breath, but Jesus heard it all.

Every.Last.Word.

He didn't look at His watch, or fidget in His seat.

His eyes, heart and mind were focused on two things; You and Joey.

As you are rambling about the bills, the job, the sitter and the long drives to and from work every morning, He picks up Joey's crayon that rolled on the floor and wiped his juice off the table when he spilled it (as most toddlers do) as His eyes were STILL focused on you and YOUR heart and what's on your mind. 

Because He is Jesus.

But He is not drive-thru Jesus, He is "sit down and relax and enjoy this moment with me Jesus" right now. Absorb every morsel of the Word and listen as God speaks to you in the calm of His presence.

Jesus tells you to read Philippians 4:13 and verses 6-8. You open your Bible and you feel a sense of calm rushing over you. 

Jesus reaches across the table and holds your hand, "My grace is sufficient for you and My strength is made perfect in your weakness".  He tells you that these trials you are facing are for God's glory and that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called for HIS purpose.

"Don't worry," He says, "I've got this. I've got you. Rest in the Word and know that no matter what happens I am with you always."

You breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Joey finishes pancakes. His face and shirt are covered in syrup.

Instead of freaking out, you laugh, hysterically because he is two and that is what two year-olds do and that is what makes them absolutely adorable and why you love Joey so very much.

You calmly wipe down his face and change his outfit before heading to the sitter's house. 

You thank Jesus for spending time with you and He tells you He was so happy to hear from you and to be able to spend time with you(and Joey).

You call the sitter to let her know that you will be a few minutes late getting Joey to her house. She says her husband's company won't be moving to Antarctica (or wherever it was, you can't remember) for six more weeks so that gives you more time to find a sitter. 

You have no clue who will watch them, but you aren't worried about it anymore either.

You call the orthodontist on your lunch and they say they can make payment arrangements for the braces and they can give you a discount as well for paying cash.

You head to the dollar tree for a pair of socks after you hang up with the orthodontist's office and then you call your doctor's office to see if there is somewhere you can get Joey's immunizations at a cheaper price. 

They give you the number to the local health department...free.

Yay!

The problems didn't disappear, your daughter still needs braces and you still need to find a sitter and pay the electric bill, but because you spent time with the Lord you KNOW without a doubt ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GOD WILL SEE YOU THROUGH THIS.

He doesn't make the rainy days or the worst storms in our lives disappear, but He does help to make them a little more bearable,  even when it doesn't seem like it at the time.

HE IS OUR STRENGTH and VERY PRESENT HELP IN TIME OF TROUBLE -Psalm 46:1

Lean on Him.

Spend time with Him, just YOU and JESUS.

But don't just do the drive-thru.

Sit down with Jesus and enjoy His company. 

His comfort.

His strength.

And most importantly, His Joy.

Because the joy of the Lord IS our strength. 

The Memoirs of a Poor Girl Rich in Faith

I am going to open my blog with a little disclaimer. I probably should have said this in my very first post.  Unfortunately, my life is NOT a Disney Princess Movie with "happily ever afters" in it. My life is real, like so many others in this world and this blog is real and therefore sometimes, I may blog about some not so fortunate happenings from time to time and I do my utmost best to include humor in my not so fortunate encounters. 

If you truly understand where I am coming from, please grab a hot coffee, a cup of tea and continue reading about my January adventures. I just want others to know how to make it through the unknown. It isn't always easy. And if you are like me, you know how easy it is to lose your faith in the snap of a finger during not so wonderful life happenings. 

Hang on sister. It will get better. I say that STILL in the middle of my storm. 

With Love and Prayers for you in your spiritual battles,

-Barb❤

Here we go:

The title says it all folks.

Some day I am going to write a book called, "The Memoirs of a Poor Girl Rich in Faith".  It's going to be about how, despite the not so great odds being thrown at me from all directions for most of my life, God seems to pull me through it all.  

Especially every January, it's the same story; and every December God got me through the year somehow.

I have two weeks of unpaid time off between Christmas and the new year. And every year, no matter how hard I try to save, during the course of the year my  car costs me hundreds of dollars to fix it, or I have to buy tires or there is some unexpected medical expense and I'm forced to resort to pay day installment loans to ease my financial burdens.  This year it's killing me. This past year, unfortunately, was different. Instead of my standard two weeks, I had a total of five weeks off, in the last 3 months of the year. 

FIVE!

I just don't get it. 

I buy Ramen.

I use digital and paper coupons, I can't even save in a 401K at work. I can't even afford the 401 let alone the K. 

I buy generic.

I don't go out to eat at lunch. I use to back in the day, when I was first employed at my current job.  That went away just as fast as it came. Eating out is pricey. 

I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I don't party like it's 1999, I basically live paycheck to paycheck. Which has always worked for me, I was never a materialistic, needs to have the latest name brand what-see-who's-it thing-a-ma-bob. I don't care about what the Jones' family owns, nor do I want to keep up with them.

I was suppose to babysit this weekend. Then I got sick, then I called to let them know and obviously they canceled and said "it's okay, we'll try again another time. Feel better Barb."

You know what's even more exciting??! I am NOT, hear me out now, I AM NOT, the only one going through something like this. 

Isn't that insane?

And what is a reality changer for me in all this misery I try so hard not to succumb to, is that there are PEOPLE OUT THERE, IN WORSE PREDICAMENTS THAN ME.

That's right.

Worse than me. So I really, really need to count...my...blessings.

Which to be honest, is hard to do. 

It's easy to count my blessings when things are all hunky dory. When the bills are paid, the kids are listening, the house is clean and the car is running. It's easy to count my blessings when God blesses me, but when the reality of unforeseen burdens come along, whew, my head in particular can get to be a hot mess. And thanking God for the fact that I STILL have a roof over my head and I ate breakfast this morning, I won't lie, it is a little extreme to do for me some days.  I want to be a child of God whose faith is unfailing. Yet somehow doubt creeps in and then I'm mad at myself for not trusting God in that moment that made me act like the human I am. 

That's right, I'm human(translation..."NOT God, NOT like God, not Perfect like God, Prone to doubting and lacking faith on occasion; Okay not to be like God, just needs to remind self that it's okay NOT to be perfect like God and have human emotions occasionally that I don't beat myself up over").

Yesterday was NOT a good day at all for me.

First of all, I had to go and get this card that cost me $95 so I can get my fingerprints done at the police station to keep my job. Then, as I was driving home, I pull into my parking spot, and the goofy picture of the oil can and the word CHANGE in LED lettering comes popping up where my miles use to be on the dash.

Think I am joking? 

Here it is:

 

It's not even due for another 2,200 miles.

Just...great!

I am finishing a conversation with my mom, so I don't want to freak out on the phone, so I don't need to be ranting to her about my woes.  After we hang up, I literally freak out about how I am going to pay for my oil change. I have $94 dollars left to borrow at the installment loan place and I was almost done paying the original loan off. I only have TWO payments left. Now I am adding another $27 to my almost $100/month payment. 

And if THAT wasn't enough, I get to the place and she tells me they erased my bank information she cannot access my account.

Now I am thinking, "What am I going to do? I have to change my oil. My car will overheat. That will be more money I don't have right now to spend to fix it". (Do you see what's happening here? Notice where my thoughts are going.) 

Finally got the bank stuff fixed and I get my $94.

Now I'm on my way home.

I'm balling. 

Bills on the brain and no money to pay them. January is the worst. I hate January. I lost two friends and a bird in the month of January. It's cold and depressing in January. I lose my mind too in the month of January. There is nothing good about the month of January and if it wasn't for Sundays, Wednesdays and Saturday mornings I think I'd have lost my marbles by now. 

At this point my marbles are scattered all over the floor of my head, but by the Grace of God almighty placing the people in my life He has placed, my marbles are just rolling around there but not lost(alright a few may have rolled away in anger and frustration but for the most part my marbles are all there... I think😩).

I won't lie. I hate money. And I hate being poor even more. I am a paycheck to paycheck kinda gal, I always have been and I always will be. It's just my lot in life I suppose. Every year I hope to change that status, but every year is the same. 

Every year I think, "Maybe this will be the year that I will change that, God willing". I am so mad because stinkin' satan is trying to mess with my faith here, and I am trying so hard not to let him. 

I wish we could barter like back in the day of the Quakers. You know, I make you a nice pie, and you fix my car. Okay, maybe two pies and a loaf of bread, or pumpkin cookies to fix my car. 

As I near the Jiffy Lube near my home, I look at the dash board.

Guess what?

That stupid icon was gone and my mileage was back (the icon  actually came back when I went to pick up my daughter at her dad's and take her to work. Imagine that).

I started yelling at my car. 

Then I yelled at the guy in the big white Dodge Ram truck who cut me off in traffic because he didn't know how to drive that big white truck. 

Then I cried some more.

Ever had one of these days? Ever have one of these months? OR years?

Random thoughts started going through my brain by the time I got home.

"I'm going radio silent", I thought. "I am going to disconnect from everyone. I am going to stop going to church and watch online, nobody needs to hear my stupid drama. Nobody cares."

And then I remembered....

A friend of mine reached out to me in a radio silent moment exactly one year ago(yep, in January). Her name is Carrie. And Carrie told me that is satan trying to steal my joy. He gets to us when we are alone and facing obstacles. Like the dirty little smarmy worm he is, he wheedles his way into our brains and lives there and slowly tears us down so that now we are stuck in misery and loneliness and sadness and depression everything the Bible says that is NOT from God. Eventually we blame God for all our misfortunes and eventually stop believing in Him. That's what the enemy wants, for us to turn from God and follow him instead.

NOT TODAY SATAN! NOT EVER!

God is joy, and peace, and love, and security and serenity even in the tumultuous times of our lives. 

But for a brief moment, in anger I might add,  I asked God,"Why is this happening to me? Why are all those people do things that aren't Biblical and who aren't saved why do they get the nice cars that never break down and the fancy clothes and the happy families and the kids who love their parents and never hate them, why do they get all that? I am not mean to people. I don't call them names, or intentionally try to be rude to them. I even love the people who hate me and try to make amends and still NOTHING. I am NOT asking to be RICH. I am NOT asking to be FAMOUS I am simply asking to MAKE ENDS MEET LORD!  Why am I suffering here? Why is this happening to ME?!"

Then Job popped into my head.

Poor little old Job. 

He didn't harm anyone. He didn't ask to lose his livestock, his children and his friends. He didn't ask for sores and boils. 

God took away what mattered most from Job to prove to those around him that God is more powerful than any disaster Job endured. That despite Job's circumstances he NEVER LOST HIS FAITH IN GOD. And because of that faith, God blessed Job in the end of his life beyond measure. 

God healed and blessed Job.

Now, I'm not Job. God may not bless me in the end. He may bless my children, or their children. I may have to ride out this storm or others like it until my last breath. Or God may bless me next month, or next year. I may finally publish that book I so wanted to publish. I may find a financial opportunity that will allow me to save more... or maybe not.

Not everyone in the Bible had a "happily ever after" story. They served God's purpose, not their own agenda, then God took them home. 

Not everyone's life is that of a Disney princess or a well-known Real Life Bible Character in a book which has a happy ending like Ruth or Esther or David or Noah despite their obstacles.

Doesn't mean we still can't enjoy it. 

I'm still trying to find my happy. I'm still trying to find God in this mess. He's there but I don't see Him and I definitely don't feel Him. 

That's what scares me.

And fear, my friend, is NOT of God.

So I am going to cling to His word like never before. 

And HOPE that God answers my prayers. 

And have FAITH that all will work out according to God's will in my life because he promises in Romans 8:28 that "All things work together for HIS good for those who love Him and are called to His purpose".

Sister, keep moving forward.

Keep holding onto the the hem of Jesus's robe. 

It's not always easy to do, but we have to keep our eyes on Jesus and not on the stormy waters that surround us.

It's gonna be okay.

It's going to be O.K.

Do not forsake me Oh Lord, Oh my God, be not far from me. Psalm 38:21

 

Faith and Your Future; Both Are In God's Hands

Howdy Ya'll! Happy New year!

For some people it's just another year, no big deal. 

For others, it's a chance to start over and to make things new again; marriages/relationships with friends, healthier eating habits, new career paths or start or return to school for a degree or certificate, basically setting new goals or dreams for the coming year.

I have done that. I have a goal for this year. I won't say right now what that goal is. Rest assured you can know that I want to do something that glorifies God and blesses others.

More to come on that at a later date.

I have faith that God will see me through this year, lows and highs. I just read the second chapter in this book I am reading, and it talks about reaching goals you may think are unreachable goals, but with God those goals are not so impossible.

I find it interesting(God's timing perhaps??🤔) that I started this book so that the chapter I finished just in time for the new year, is all about setting goals and not giving up. 

I won't lie, in my past, and even sometimes in the present but not as often, I tend to be flaky. I say I will do something in March, and I start out extremely excited to begin my journey and before ya know it it's May and I have given up on my quest.

I am a former smoker. 

I will just say this, quitting smoking IS NOT easy. It has been 5 years since I quit. Prior to that, I had tried quitting about 12 times. So when I finally quit, it was definitely not by MY willpower, but the strength of God that got me through it. If you need advice on how to quit, let me know. No judgment here from me, because  I did backslide a bit back in October of last year, for reasons that I still don't know why, but I laughed about it because in all honesty it was for about 10 days and I told my mom when I returned home this is the "non-smoking side of the mountain". 

True story.

I haven't craved a cigarette since I got back home. I have no desire to smoke. I haven't since I lived here in this apartment God so kindly blessed my daughter and I with. Sometimes Satan likes to throw little wrenches into our plans to do good, and then we beat ourselves up about it.  When I got back to my apartment and started unpacking I did feel stupid for smoking when I went back home with my family.   I don't know why I smoked, but I did. I thought if I didn't buy them, I wouldn't smoke them or smoke that many. That plan backfired for sure. 

I had all these crazy thoughts in my head as I was getting ready for bed that first night back here. "If my friends find out they won't like me anymore"(that one was stupid for sure), "What the heck was I thinking? I didn't smoke any of the other times I went back? Why did I do it now?! What's wrong with me?!" I did tell one friend while I was out there. She wasn't judgmental at all. Just said not to do it anymore, because it's not healthy.

I had a very hard time getting back into my Bible study routine and once I did the negative thoughts didn't come so often. I thank God He didn't let me go through all of that alone, and the thoughts eventually subsided by the time I returned to work.

We are not perfect creatures by any means, and yet God will still use us for his perfect mission in our lives to give Him all the glory.

Just look at all the stories in the Bible. Supposedly "Impossible" stories I might add:

• David the youngest of all his brothers fighting a giant named Goliath
• Moses, parting the red sea by the power of God with only a simple command and a staff
• Joshua, the walls came tumbling down with the sound of trumpets
• Gideon, overcame an army of 120,000 Midianites with only 300 men

Each one of these people, had FAITH that God would get them where He needed them to go. Despite obstacles, despite poor life choices, despite what seemed like challenging circumstances, these men in the Bible beat the odds and what may seem like so far-fetched or impossible, was not so impossible WITH GOD. 

I read this verse this morning, and I really took it to heart for this coming year:

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:18-19

Earlier in this same chapter, God tells Jacob that He will be with him and the rivers will NOT overflow him nor will the fires burn him (verse 2). 

What are the two most IMPORTANT THINGS God tells Jacob in Verse 1?

FEAR NOT!

YOU ARE MINE.

This not only applies to Jacob but to each of us as well. 

Do NOT fear and know that we belong to God. 

We are His children. He will not leave us nor forsake us. EVER.

I have to keep reminding myself of this fact. When I have those ridiculous thoughts of "What if my car dies in the heat again this summer?" "What if I don't have enough money for my car payment in 3 months?" 

What ifs are not living in faith.

God will use our trials and tribulations, to strengthen our faith. He will use THAT faith to show others how He works through us and how trusting in God and following God is the only way to be truly content and happy in life, regardless of our current circumstances. 

No amount of money, fame or fortune will give us that. 

Only God can do that.

So first of all, PRAY.

Ask for God's guidance in your new adventure or life decision.

Then, dust off that manuscript,  go online and submit that admissions application as you are never too old to go back and hit the books again, apply for that small business loan and get that bakery or book store open. 

God will open doors for you, if you just have a little faith.

The faith of a mustard seed is all you need.

"...for assuredly I say to you if you have faith as a mustard seed you will say to this mountain 'move from here to there' and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

The Strength of our Seasons

 

I just packed away my tree and all my decorations. I am in the midst of cleaning my apartment. I have to say, I am quite impressed with myself here. I got up at 4:30. I played a few rounds of Words with Friends with my momma. Of course I beat her. I was the regional spelling bee champ of my hometown in 6th grade. 

Words are my friends.

I blog for cryin' out loud, of course words are going to be my friends. 😏

However, the words this morning that were spewing out of my mouth were not.so.friendly. 🤭

This was a rough morning. I said a swear this morning. Rarely, if ever, do I swear. And like a wonderful person I know and love, if you hear a word come from my mouth that isn't appropriate I have probably reached the depths of my emotional capacity of patience for the day. 

And my day had just begun.

Keeping it real here. I am being transparent, because we all know being a Christian does not make one "holier than thou" and I am definitely far from being holier than all of you out there who grace my blog(and I thank you) 

So as the queen mother of words escaped my mouth when the vacuum sucked up those stupid clear ties they put on toys, (which by the way, I have no idea where it came from because none of us had any toys here with clear ties on them) and it made that annoying buzzing sound that makes you think you just sucked up a swarm of bees, I shut off and slammed the vacuum on the floor in an attempt to dislodge said clear tie, and I am happy to report after several good slams it came out. 

I plugged the vacuum back in and continued with my vacuuming, listening to my country music on the t.v. trying to keep my wits about me when the stupid buzzing bees came back...this time a twisted paperclip was the culprit. 

Nothing was going right, except my win against my mom this morning, everything else was downhill after that. 

I stepped on an ornament and heard the crunch under my bare foot. I also stepped on the little "hat" that goes atop the ornament to place the ornament hanger, not fun...at all.

I pulled something in my back carrying the boxes to the storage on my patio. 

Then I had a TB Test read I had to do at the drugstore on the corner, so I had to stop what I was doing to go do that.

Still hadn't showered mind you. 

*sigh*

Apologized to the woman doing my TB read(negative by the way, if you were wondering) telling her "I apologize if I should stink because I just took down my tree, and had been sweating profusely trying to get it in the box and into storage along with the five other awkwardly huge boxes of decos and stuff". 

She just giggled at me and said, "You took down your tree? I didn't put one up this year." 

I wonder if I should have done that instead?...nah.

I just went into the kitchen right now for a bottled water and came back with a mini milk chocolate snowman, two Lindor  wrapped candies and a Godiva chocolate. 

I realized I forgot the water when I ate the second piece of candy. 🙄 

*walks back to kitchen for water, walks back to desk while thinking "maybe an ice cold glass of milk would go better with the chocolates??"...yep, walked BACK to the fridge for a glass of milk.

You are probably wondering why I chose the ornament photo for my blog today.

This day of mine is why.

The ornament shouldn't say Jesus is the Reason for the Season, although he definitely IS the ONE TRUE REASON FOR CHRISTMAS...That being said, let me just say that there should be an ornament AND a bumper sticker that says "Jesus is the Reason We Make It Through Our Seasons". 

Did you read that?

When we are happy, even in the midst of chaos. Scripture tells us "Do not sorrow for The Joy of the Lord is Our Strength!" -Nehemiah 8:10

When we are sad, He is there in that season, pushing us through by His strength and not that of our own doing, holding our hands, hearts and minds. When we are going for a health test and we are scared, or we are getting married or having a baby, or our first child is leaving the nest(or the last one is leaving) HE is there. 

Whatever season it is, Jesus is the reason we made it through that season.

This morning,  a short season that felt like an eternity to me in the moment has passed, and my blood pressure and my vocabulary are much better now.

As I took the tree down and realized tomorrow is a new year, I cried. This year, the year of my worst day, is ending. I have to let go, give my grief and my worst day to God.

I looked at "Daddy's Lantern" and cried some hard tears. 

Then I let him go. 

I'm sure there will be days of firsts yet to come since my worst day happened, First Wedding anniversary He is in Heaven and not with mom, First Father's Day he's in Heaven, first Birthday of his in Heaven and I WILL cry. But letting him go, let's me know that whatever feelings I feel on those first days, won't be so bad. 

He's with Jesus and so am I, or rather Jesus is with me.

He's got me.

I probably won't write about my daddy for a little while. Doesn't mean I have forgotten him, I will have his memories and photos and lantern out all year long. Letting go means letting go. 

Doesn't mean forgetting, it means trusting God to help you through the emotional storm when you DO remember and feelings slam you out of nowhere.

My advice, what I have learned through all of this, is no matter what season you are facing, know that it's temporary, it's okay to be angry, sad, hurt, happy or exceedingly joyful, whatever it is, give thanks to Jesus for getting you to it or getting you through it.

Daddy's Lantern

Waiting in the Terminal to Heaven

"I just need a hug", I cried out to God last night. "I really need a hug right now, God," I said.

There comes a time in our lives when we all just need a hug.

Whether it's due to a win in a championship game, or the birth of a child, the broken heart of a teenage love gone away, or the passing of a loved one, sometimes you just need a big, warm, solid hug.

I am working on healing this holiday season.

It's been two months since my father went to be in the arms of Jesus. He is so lucky. He gets to live in Heaven now, pain free, and worry-free. My daddy always worried about something; my son coming home from work safe in a storm, the sump pump going off at a certain time, or driving alone to church just five blocks down the street.

He had many pains and many meds he was on when he was still with us.

He was suffering and God said, "Fred, you were a good and faithful servant, it's time for you to come home to me."

And He took him home.

Oh, I am sure that he is ever so grateful the Lord took him home.  Although most of us still here on this earthly plain still cry tears of sadness and sometimes tears of anger, and sometimes cry at the most unexpected moments, we KNOW(at least I do anyway) that he is in Heaven with HIS daddy and HIS mamma and singing songs of praise to the MOST HIGH GOD with the angels. 

There has to be some comfort in that ya know.

But some days it isn't quite that easy to remember; or we just want to cry because our fleshly selves know our loved ones are gone, and we don't know when the time will come when we will see them again in Heaven. We want them here, NOW, because we miss them, and there were things left unsaid, and memories and moments still left to be had. 

I took photos and posted said photos on my Facebook. Because to me those aren't photos of my dad "on his deathbed", but rather the last photos of he and I and my daughter and him while he is waiting at the terminal to Heaven.

Biblical Perspective.

That's what I am saying here. 

We are all in the terminal to Heaven. 

Some people are on standby. Some already have their ticket and KNOW they are going to see Jesus soon and others have no idea that their ticket is already purchased and the flight to Heaven is coming soon. My daughter and I were blessed to be able to fly back home and spend time with my father(and our family) at the terminal, she told me she was so glad she got to take care of him. It gave her peace(and me too) being able to see him and care for him those last few weeks. 

God blessed us with a gift we can never repay to see my daddy.

Although he will be greatly missed by my daughter and I, I am happy that he is no longer in pain and is finally home with the Lord. Does it make me miss him any less?

No.

Does it make me cry any less, or skip all five of the stages of grief by some miracle?

No.

Earth is just our transitional housing folks.

It's not a forever home here.

God brought us here at a certain time, for His purpose and His glory and when that purpose is fulfilled we get to go home. 

To our FOREVER home....IN HEAVEN.

So yes, some days I wish I had someone to hug me in some of those darker moments. 

Missing daddy isn't easy some days. Just yesterday I was making a payment on a loan I took out, and the tears just came out of nowhere and would not stop. God bless Tina, the woman behind that glass partition, she handed me tissues and told me "Just let it go sweetie, it's okay. I just lost my aunt a few months ago, and I lost my dad 21 years ago." With sympathetic eyes while shoving tissues in that silver coin holder between me and that glass partition she let me cry it out. She asked me if I needed a water. God gave me Tina in that moment, a true angel who let me "cry it out" and not hide my feelings, or pretend they weren't there.

I couldn't stop, it just hit me. 

It kept hitting me, like waves in a hurricane against the boulders on the shoreline. There was nothing I could do but stand there and sob. I had to make my payment, I couldn't just run out. 

My sadness and love for my father was all over my face and those tissues in my hand. 

I was a hot mess.

And yes, some days I cry my eyeballs out and can't stop no matter how hard I try to stop the tears from falling. 

I was at church a few weeks ago. And I had just finished having a cry fest in my car, and I was all excited that was done, and I could get to choir practice sans the tears. I wiped my eyes and walked into the lobby of the church.

And then it happened...

"How great thou art, how great thou art, then sings my souuuuul,....", sang the worship team and the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried, they just wouldn't stop. This was my dad's favorite song and the last song I heard for my father in their church that cold, Monday morning of his funeral.

So there I was trying to get to choir practice upstairs as I passed people by sobbing like a child who didn't get a toy they wanted in aisle 4 because mom said no.

I just went with it.

Didn't try to stop it.

Just let the tears fall as fast as they came.

If there is any place to cry like a baby, it's church. 

There is no right way to grieve. 

"It's okay to cry, it's okay to fall apart, you don't have to try to be strong when you are not...", Ryan Stevenson sings those lyrics in his song, When We Fall Apart .

I know so many friends who are dealing with their grief this holiday season. 

This blog is for you too. This blog is letting you know it's alright to cry it out, ugly cry, sobbing on the floor holding photos of your loved one and crying out to God. 

It's OKAY!

Don't hide your feelings. 

That is called repressive coping. It's not healthy to hold in your tears. It can cause physical and mental issues in your body down the road.

Let it out.

Give it to God. 

That's what He says to do in Scripture.

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" -Psalm 147:3

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" -Matthew 5:4

This holiday season, I will light my tree and worship the Lord and hang out with my daughter and remember all the Christmases of the past with my dad. 

Like the time we hid in the closet in the foyer waiting for "Santa" to come and jumping out of the closet trying to catch Santa; not even remotely noticing my poor father out of breath after ringing the bell and running through the hall out the back door, dog barking like crazy and our child-like looks of joy as we saw all the gifts that sat there before us. 

The Christmas where he wrapped all our gifts with tape all over the edges that you couldn't get your fingernail inside the gift seals to open it.

The Christmas where each of us children had 7 digit numbers instead of our names on our presents so we wouldn't shake the gifts before Christmas Eve dinner was over.

That is what I am going to remember, and treasure, this Christmas season.

The love of my father in the wonderful memories he left in my heart.

So as we sit and wait in the terminal to Heaven,  let's cling to God this holiday season. Jesus is the true reason for this season. So let's hang onto Him tightly. 

He will help us to move on. 

He will help us with our wait in the terminal. 

After all He is our pilot. 

And as long as we keep our eyes on Him, we will be able to make it through the terminal of life until He calls us home with Him and our loved ones.

May your holiday be blessed this season and may you find comfort in the arms of our Lord.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year too.

In the Void of It All

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God.

-Psalm 42:11

-Psalm 43:5

 

My feelings have been all over the map lately. 

The why. I am still grappling the why of it all.

It's still too fresh. 

So I won't go there right now.

I don't know when I will go there. But it isn't today.

I had a slight respite of sorts from all the crazy feelings in my heart and my head yesterday.

Friends of mine invited me out to a hike at Red Rock(seen below) followed by lunch. I am blessed to have some awesome sisters like them in my life. I would be curled up in a fetal position  balling my eyes out if it wasn't for them checking in on me this week.

Since I got home, life has gone on for everyone on the planet and my life stood still. Then I was in robot mode; work, eat, cry, sleep(or try to anyway), repeat daily with some laughter thrown in here and there and the occasional staring into space or trying to contain tears during the working hours. 

That was the hardest thing to do some days.

I thank God for the tiny humans that make me giggle.  I thank God for the people at work who are a listening ear for me before I start my day, so if I feel tears I can shed them before my day starts. 

This week, for some reason, I felt very, very alone in all this inside my head.  

In kind of a void of sorts. Really just surviving...or floating around aimlessly in my body while my mind is scattered in several directions. Responsibilities and bills and past due bills and a stupid car that the  mechanic didn't fix because it's doing the same freaking thing it was doing when I took it in to him to be fixed and it was "fixed" for like 2 months, and a teenage daughter and getting her to and from work and school and my work and everything that has gone on the past 2 months I am still absorbing the reality of it all. 

My head has met it's max capacity for "stuff".  

A friend of mine from my Wednesday Warriors group happened to text Thursday because I wasn't at group this past week, as I had a massive meltdown as i left work that day and needed to go home and just cry it out and go to sleep.

That is when the hike and lunch idea was brought to fruition. 

I escaped life for a brief moment. Three wonderful hours to be exact.

Came home and napped and felt a little better.  Watched some T.V. and went back to bed for the night. 

This...my blog...is my respite.

This is my safe space where I can talk about whatever I want to talk about. Whenever I want to talk about it.

I love talking about God most importantly. Because without Him, the great provider, Who provides me with the most amazing circle of friends and the most amazing church and the most amazing job with some of the most amazing co-workers(who I consider some dear friends) I don't know how I would survive out here during this season in my life when my mom and the rest of my family is back home, including my son God bless them all. They have each other for a circle of support and comfort, thank you Jesus I have my "people" here.

I thank God every day he placed the right people at the right time in my life.

God's timing is amazing.

That's not cliche' it's truth.

I babysat tonight, so I'm feeling okay today. I will give today an 8 on a scale from 1 to 10. One being horribly emotional and not wanting to leave my bed or home to 10 being God gave me the perfect day. 

Thanks for listening to me. 

I miss blogging and not sure how often I will be writing. I have other blogs I have started, but as I said earlier I am not ready to "go there" just yet. Maybe a year from now.

Maybe never.

God knows.

Until next time....

Just a Matter of Faith

(This post was originally started on August 24th)

I had my Saturday Bible Group this past weekend.

I cannot share what we talk about, but I can share one thing. What I talked about.

MY CAR.

One of the women asked if I named my car. I had never named her, but I did shortly after she asked me that.

While everyone was sharing, the name "Bertie" popped into my head. It reminded me of that movie, Hope Floats. I love that movie. Sandra Bullock and Henry Connick, Jr. were amazing in that movie. If I wanted a love story, that would be it. 

This guy chased her.

He really loved her.

Flaws, warts and all he loved this woman. Loved her for a long time. She left home and all her family, and did her own thing, and the consequences were horrendous, but in the end, here's this guy who undoubtedly loved this girl and waited patiently for the right timing to do what needed to be done.

And waited for her to do the same.

It was a "happily ever after" kind of ending. 

Beautiful.

If you think about it, God is just like Harry Connick, Jr's character. 

He'll wait..

...and wait...

...and wait.

No matter how unworthy we feel or how huge our mistakes or how messed up we are, He is there...WAITING.

Loving us through it all.

Now that's the greatest love story ever in my book. 

Better than Harry Connick, Jr. and Sandra Bullock.

Today has been a day for me.

I bit my lip.

Not once, not twice, but three times. And the last time I bit my lip I cried. I had bite of my daughter's smores cups and I cried like a baby.

That's frustration coming out ya'll. 

I wanted to yell at someone. 

So I yelled at satan and told him to leave me alone and go back to hell.

I did.

I said that.

Because I was angry and the devil wants us to blame God when our lives or our emotions are a hot mess, but I am so much smarter than that.

This is what happened, it started out that I had brought the wrong book to group. I brought my book on boundaries when I was suppose to bring my book on "The Joy of Encouragement". 

I really needed that book today of all days.

Then I get to group, and I brought cookies to share but didn't think to bring plates. Thankfully one of my amazing sisters brought napkins for the coffee.  

Bertie decided yesterday to start sputtering on me. She decided to start making me question my life, if only for two stop lights on the road as I took my daughter to her father's house. I questioned my own value and for a split second I almost wanted to give up.

A very dull and dry, "whatever," escaped my mouth in the presence of my daughter.

That made me even angrier.

Then, I repeated those same words I said the last time car troubles ensued when Bertie's engine light glared at me (read all about it HERE ) and I was ready to (almost) throw in the towel on reality and go sulk in a corner with the whole bunch of baked goods I had made to share at group today. 

     

Notice the sign behind the cookies. 

Imagine that. 

Having a bad day and look what God reminded me as I took a photo of my baked goods to share on Facebook.

Hmm.

Clearly this is something God is telling me to work on. 

My faith.

Now back to Bertie and my brain.

I started picturing worse case scenarios; you know, the ones where the worst possible things happen to you because something happened in your life that, in the moment seems catastrophic, but in the grand scheme of things really isn't that horrific of an event.

"If this car breaks down, on my way to take my daughter to school, there are over 3,000 parents/students dropping off. What if my car breaks down while I'm in the single line of drop off cars where I cannot pull over anywhere?"

"If my car breaks down, I will lose my job. If I lose my job, I will lose my apartment. If I lose my apartment where will I live?"

"What about my daughter how will I get her to school if I have no car? What if I have to move back to Indiana? But who would I live with if I had to go back?" "I'm going to miss the boys' Senior graduation. They will never forgive me for that one!"

That's me when I get in my head.

Thankfully, being a child of God I don't stay there but a moment.

By the time we made it to the second stop light(about 5 minutes from home) I just told her that we will be fine. I will be fine, I have the tow service and she looked at me and said "We have pasta this time," and that was that.

I keep trying to let God in here, and I KNOW without an unfathomable doubt He's got me, but sometimes when trials come about it's hard to really focus and trust God COMPLETELY.

Raise your hand if you can relate to that.

We're all family here, go ahead, raise your hand. There is no judgment coming from me.

Trust me on that.

I am over here raising my hand too. 

In my head I am raising it anyway.✋

Seems God will toss a trial here and there every so often just to keep me on my praying toes. 

For most of us(raises hand yet again) we forget sometimes(not always) to praise God when the storm ends and the light of the sun has been glistening a while atop our foreheads and families and jobs and we think "We've" got it all under control.

That's when God will decide to sprinkle another shower. Once in a while that shower turns to a storm, and in some cases he throws a whole hurricane or F5 tornado our way and it feels like it will never end.

But it does.

And as long as our faith stays in tact, there is nothing to worry about. 

Worry is normal. We are people not robots, but when worry creeps in, we have to remember GOD IS IN CONTROL. 

Give Him the wheel.

Heck, ask him to just please take the whole stinkin' car that is your life.

 "You have this, tell me what YOU want Lord. If I remain in the wilderness, help me to get through this. Help me to learn what I need to. If I am being prideful, or if it's gluttony, or if it's anxiety, lack of forgiveness, if you just miss me, your precious child from spending time with you as I should,  whatever it is Lord help me to change it or remove it from my life."

That isn't always easy to do.

CHANGE. 

But unless you want to be stuffed in the belly of a whale, I strongly suggest you listen and heed God's voice.

Just a suggestion.

Yes we do have free will and all, but there are some very mighty consequences when you take that free will and use it all willy-nilly. 

God loves you.

This is fact.

When your whole world is all topsy-turvy and jumbled up all over and you feel like you are going to have a nervous breakdown(or have already had one), go to your room or your end table or wherever it is and grab that Bible of yours, turn off the phone, the tv, and spend some time with our Almighty Father. 

He is there.

Waiting.

He left the 99 to find you, He will wait as long as it takes until you come back to Him and rest in his Almighty loving arms.